Thursday, April 30, 2009

the exorcist made delicious

here is a very quick vegetarian dish that gives me special spring feelings.
 ummm. i'm going to call it "lunch date with Linda Blair" or....
 "springy pea dumplin' time 
here is what you do:
1. get some won ton wrappers at the store.. (one package)
2.pick up some fresh shelled peas or frozen ones... if you have to be like that (2 -ish cups)
3. then get a lemon (1), some plain yogurt or ricotta if your sassy(1/2 cup), an onion or a couple of shallots if you think you are better than everyone(which you probably are)
4. you can put some yummy hard cheese in there too... like Parmesan or asiago-but don't let me pressure's not necessary

*put peas in boiling water for about 3 minutes if frozen or 1 min if fresh- you want to pull them off as soon as they get bright green(they should be just cooked) and then immediately run under cold water to stop the cooking DO NOT OVER COOK THESE LIL' PEAS -you will regret it almost as much as the time you let that kid with hygiene issues feel you up in the back of the bus...
*meanwhile-cut up your onion or high-class shallot and saute it until caramelized..if you don't know what that means..there is NOTHING i can do for you.. you should look into a career as a beach cartoonist or something.     note:i make fun..but that is actually my dream job..that ...or hooker.

 *mash up your peas... not too smooth -leave a few lumpy
*add ricotta or yogurt
*zest that lemon and stick it in there...
*salt and pepper it
*put cheese in it ( i don't because i like to be difficult) make into won is a picture to help... 
put a dollop(not too much) i use the guess and check method ) in the middle . sprinkle onion on top  and fold.  if you get all greedy and put too much in here you will life.
don't over do it will bust the seams and you will have low self worth for days. resist!
you can wing the folding it if you have small motor skills problems..but if i had my way i would force you to do it like this(this is my version of fascism..there is more where that came from)
*wet 2 sides along the edge of the wrapper
*fold into a triangle
*wet the tippy top of the triangle and fold remaining 2 sides towards this wet and ready peak.
ok, that's it... form an assembly line and fold all these  bitches up.....

 i like to make 1 surprise dumpling per batch- this entails tucking something unexpected in the wrapper..say -a dead bug or a bottle cap.... i like to keep my guests guessing....mwwwaahahaha

now you can cook them. you have 2 choices. fry. steam.

fry(ummmm indulgent)  heat 1/4 of an inch olive oil in a skillet and put your dumplins' on in there, fry one side until brown and flip it over to do the same on the other side. it's like sun tanning only more Delicious.
steam: oil up a steaming device of your choice...bamboo, metal whateva' . and steam them for like 4 minutes... you want the wrappers to be translucent-so just put down your pack of camel lights and watch them....
look at that lil' cooker.. you made dumplings! your happy as a cat!
i like to dip them in sauces of all kinds... wasabi, tzatziki,sweet chili.. go wild. you deserve it!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

dunno about you, but this here is how I make a pie

We need to talk about food starting now. We are closing in on pie season, and you need to be ready. Here's what you need to make a killer pie crust and feel superior to everyone:
3 cups of flour
1 cup vegetable shortening (some people insist that the only way to make pie crust is with real butter, but those people are wrong. The ugly truth is that the best pie crust is made from Butter Flavor Crisco and the sooner you accept this, the healthier it will be for our friendship. Think of it this least it's vegan.)
1/2 teaspoon salt
pinch of baking powder (it helps keep things real flaky)
6 or 7 tablespoons ice water.
Sift all your dry ingredients together into a big bowl. Also don't look at my diet coke.
Dump your shortening in there and cut it with the pastry cutter, or if you don't have one, two knives. Here's where people sometimes get frustrated. What you're trying to do is mix the flour and shortening together without melting the fat or actually blending them together, you just want it equally distributed. You want it to look like tiny crumbs. You are also probably going to have to get your hands in there and sort of blend it together lightly, without mushing it. Don't touch the shortening long enough to melt it with your body heat (sexy). Oh yeah wash your hands before you make pie, grossy.
It should look like this.
Get your ice water:
and sprinkle it over the mess you just made one tablespoon at a time. Stir it in with a fork in a really gentle way that's more like fluffing, because remember that your dough is really senstive and you should never mush it. Keep adding water until you have a dough that holds together in a chunk. It should take about seven tablespoons, but too much is better than not enough. And it has to be really cold, because you're trying not to melt the shortening at all if you can help it. Our goal here is light, flaky and delicious.

Remember how I said you can never mash your dough together? I lied. I'm a complicated person. Mash your dough (gently) into two little cakes, one (the bottom one) a little bigger than the other-
Oh yeah, this recipe is for a two crust pie. If you only need one crust....use half the recipe, genius.
Wrap these little shits in wax paper, then plastic wrap, and put them in the fridge.
I used to do this for a couple hours, then I discovered that leaving them in overnight is even better. Then I read that you should maybe leave them in there for three days. Crazy! Something about the acids breaking down, blah blah cocktail hour.
Once you're ready to get serious, take one lump of dough at a time and put it between two sheets of floured wax paper. This is a controversial move, but I think it results in a lot less grief and domestic violence when all is said and done. You wanna roll (oh you have a rolling pin, right? Use an empty wine bottle I guess) outwards from the center in one direction only, carrying out the ideal of "not mashing" in theory, if not practice, as much as possible.
Here's where you realize I'm a genius: transfer your crust into the pie pan by peeling off the top layer of wax paper, and turning the bottom layer upside down into your pan, and peeling that one off. Be careful. You can use extra bits of dough to patch up any tears that happen, chances are nobody will ever know. And if someone says something....x them from your friend list. Trim off the excess and kind of fold under or over the edge like you're making a hem, and do something nice to it like crimp it with your thumbs all the way around the edge.
Just don't do that thing where you mash it with a fork. You're just sabotaging yourself.

Oh yeah, then put something in your pie. Whatever you want. It's not my business.
You roll out your top crust just like the bottom one. Then you can cut it into lattice strips, cut out shapes with a cookie cutter, or just dump the whole thing on top and join it to the bottom crust by trimming and tucking in the edge and pressing into the bottom edge with your thumb. Then you cut slits in it with a real sharp knife so steam can escape and your pie doesn't explode. Some people like to brush egg whites on the top crust as a glaze so it's extra brown and glossy, but I think those people are just trying to prove something.
What other bossy things do I have to say about pie? Oh, lots. Here's a few:
1. Glass pie plates are best.
2. If you have a really juicy filling, why don't you prick the bottom crust with a fork a few times.
3. Putting kittens in your pie crust - adorable.
4. Pie is better than cake.
5. As an indirect method of saying "I'm sorry", pie has a success rate comparable to blow jobs in various clinical trials.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Sunday, April 26, 2009

sexxx dreams part 1 ..or..doin' "it" with a loser

I have some secrets to admit... these are dirty secrets...which we all know are the best kind..... i'm going to just jump right in and tell you.... 
i had a sex dream about Brandon from 90210. yep. i did.
          let me paint the picture...

 there i was... decked out in train conductor overalls with 1 strap down -ala blossom or kris kross if you're nasty-   i had on chili red matte lipstick.. liquid eyeliner and frosty pink eyeshadow.  i was basically Emily Valentine...but with WAY better hair and a less winy, shitty way of talking... oh-and i didn't have that type of long chin-centric hooker face that she has....ok, i wasn't really Emily Valentine at all.... but i was totally into lighting fires and "fucking shit up"... 

ok, back to it....Brandon asks me to take a ride in his car... i get in the car and in the back seat i find like-maybe 30 pairs of women's shoes..but really embarrassing styles, like aqua socks and platform flip flops and those tall clear stripper heels  that only look good on tranny's ...i ask him where they came from and he pulls me close and puts his fingers to my lips and says "shut your mouth or i'll do it for you" (hot right?..ok, maybe it's just me...WAIT it is just me ..this is my dream...shit.) anyway,
i'll spare you the nasty bits...but we hump... but he sucks at it...and i wake up right as i yell "THIS IS NO WAY TO PARTY"
now, ....there are a LOT of things wrong with this dream....i won't even get into it..what i will ask you is this: why the hell did i dream about boning Brandon when in my waking life i would much rather hot tongue Dylan? 
as  fellow 90210 loving blogger goody proctor  ( ) pointed out on my last 90210 post  "Brandon always walks like he has very recently been butt-fucked"

'nuff said

thank you for being a friend or... "will you Bea mine"

Yesterday the world lost a true friend.... the tallest woman on earth....Bea Arthur
i'm going to tell you a deep secret...there is  just something about a large stature woman with a husky voice that makes me go kinda lesbo. who the shit do you know that rocks shoulder pads better than Bea... NO ONE.. that's who. 
i imagine the perfect day where Bea and i go thrifting in a small town ripe with sweaters and blouses... each one we try on (together in the dressing room) fits better than the next.... we are on top of the world... drunk on fashion we stumble outside and get into her electric blue Mazda miata (convertible of course) and take off....with the wind blowing through our short but still feminine haircuts we drive moderately fast.. but not fast enough to get a speeding ticket (Bea was a reasonable woman)...
 after some time cruising (90% of which i spend looking at my own reflection in the passenger side mirror) .... we arrive at our destination... her house.. she takes me inside and leads me into her boudoir... once inside this magical room... she allows me to try on her brooches.. but not all of them.. only the ones she doesn't like that much.... electricity runs through me... i want to stay right here... with her... forever... this perfect day ends in a mildly erotic- yet fully clothed spooning session....
Bea Arthur will be missed dearly. she was a inspirational, classy woman that knew how to shake what her mama gave her..always playing up her best traits and never leaving the house fine wine- she became more beautiful and complex with age... us ladies can only hope to leave this earth with as much style and sophistication as Bea.
p.s  Bea if you can hear me...i'm willing to fulfill my fantasies with your ghost.   call me.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

who's your daddy?

i am
now...expect us to bombard you with recipes in the near near future.... (some of which will involve being spanked in an underground sewer utopia while eating the pie we will describe to you in life-like detail) oh shiiiit! just you wait!

relaxin' all cool

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

it's a conspiracy

this just in... the earth is naaastay

potato latkes anyone?

my isolation station or.. just a little better than wicked

i walk around all day long saying shit that makes sense to no one but me... if you know me well  you might be able to pick up some sort of information... that may or may-not be useful( in taking over the world).

 this could  include a number of weirdnsses such as: i ask you to pass me something...we are both looking at the item-let's say it's a sharp knife- and i say "can you hand me the laundry basket?"  i know it's a sharp knife... and i know what i want to do with it...sexxxxxy  but for some reason laundry basket comes out and i am too lazy and uninterested to correct my mouth..

this also applies to made up words... which i use for any and all circumstances -example- we are at the spring fling dance - you (dylan mckay) ask me to slow dance and i say "meep"  do you know what that means? well buddy... you better figure it out...QUICK.    or we are both hungry and you ask what we should have for dinner..again "meep".... so what are you gunna do now playa'???

then there is my constant reference to things that mean a lot to me..but sadly no one else... like- i'm at the grocery store and they don't have bok choy.. and i say "oh..the trouble with mimi" DO YOU GET THAT? no, i didn't think so... 

or if we are hanging out and you can't find your keys right before we leave  to go to the county fair and i say "bob, bob,we'll find your drugs bob, we'll  find them" does that make sense to you? huh? does it?

so now i am rounding the bend to my long winded point... there are a few glimmering moments when a person will know what i'm beaking around about... or i will stumble upon a friend or stranger taking notice of  an overlooked jem that i hold dear to my heart...  when these moments occur i fell  less  like a rubber band and more like a living rubber band. 

the moral of this story is:  mr. wineburger, dawn davenport is eating a meatball sandwich  right out in class....... y'all get me now...right????

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

update on my cool life

I'm watching The Blue Lagoon on Hulu while I'm at work. Have you ever actually seen this movie? It's about these two kids who are too stupid to live. They have to rely on this terrifying pirate to tell them not to eat poison or get killed in various ways, and now he's all dead with a mouth full of crabs and I think they're going to die too every three seconds. I can't handle the stress.

Monday, April 20, 2009

teenage hopin' and wishin' and prayin'

hey crystal lil... no more wishing... now you have a friend like bela lugosi....

"I guess I'm pretty much of a lone wolfI don't say I don't like people at all, but, to tell you the truth, I only like them if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds. "-b.l
  "Death, the final, triumphant lover. "-b.l

juuuuust like bela lugosi......   just for you friend!


Is there a better movie on this earth??(NO)
When this movie came out I was a lonely 14 year old and I wished I had a friend like Bela Lugosi (teenagers are boring, which is infinitely more tragic when you are yourself one).
Now I am a grown woman and I wish I had a friend like Vampira. (Just kidding I am Vampira).

now we can all just die

which  one of us will be the most beautiful woman in puppet land?

how could we be so foolish.... it's Miss Yvonne!!!!!!!! she deserves the crown because she isn't a homophobic asshole. way to go Miss Yvonne. "when you feel beautiful you are beautiful"
 word my sista'
"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage," Prejean said. "And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."-   no offense my ass ms. california..i was raised to eat more than lipgloss for dinner and to not suck at life. ughhh. get a mustache and get real 

come on feel the noise (the syndrome)

it's no secret that i love loud noise... as a kid my dad would play me his favorite records and when his "jam" would come on he would turn it up really loud ..  he was in a state of total joy... it was contagious..... really.  

as a teenager i only liked bands that had loud loud sounds and singers with loud loud mouths... my family would tease me by constantly yelling the chorus to one of my morning wake up songs ( i would play it at 7 am to get me pumped for school) it went like this: I WAAANT TO KILLLL YOU....CUT YOU UP ...GOUGE OUT YEEER EYYYYES" i was awarded a pair of headphones soon after this became a daily routine... 

i also remember so distinctly.. the moment i put on one of my favorite records for the first time.... the song starts off with an intense loud drum extravaganza... it literally felt like the drums were kicking right to my heart meat.

so this "love of loud" has been a constant force in my life .... and it doesn't apply to just music.... i currently reside in a place full of loud sounds... at any given moment 5 car alarms will be blaring, trucks with outside speakers boasting mariachi music, dudes getting in arguments in languages i don't understand while babies are crying and horns are honking... and i love it.. i guess "alive" the best way to describe the way i feel when i am in the middle of noise. i have an emotional connection to (what i like to call) "passionate sound" 
i have been known to get misty eyed when a particularly insane loudness occurs... it makes my  mind feels so real.... is what i know considering all of this information i just gave you....  I MIGHT BE AUTISTIC... ok, maybe not. but i kinda wish i had this syndrome i just read about (or maybe i already do!)

... here is what the internet told me about EXPLODING HEAD SYNDROME!!!!!

Exploding head syndrome is a rare condition that causes the sufferer to occasionally experience a tremendously loud noise as if from within his or her own head, usually described as an explosion or a roar.

                     Usually, it’s described as a loud bang, a clash of cymbals or a bomb exploding. The problem is,      most of the patients can’t even realize they have exploding head syndrome and won’t go to doctor.

color me jealous

Saturday, April 18, 2009

how i relate to humans part 2. the dog edition

*me:  "you know what i would like to do?"
*friend:    "what?"
*me:     "i would like to take that dog..... accuse him of crimes..... put him on trial....find him guilty in a court of law ... then send him to the guillotine. that's what i would like to do"
* friend (to the dog in question)  "don't be alarmed by the darkness of her mind"

**just to be clear to the readers that don't know me... i actually love animals WAY more than i love humans ..and would only send a dog to trial that really deserved it...i'm just sayin'

how i relate to humans

*girl behind the counter of a coffee shop:    " hi there!!!  can i help you?"
*me:   "ummm NO.. i'm just taking  a picture of this grey bagel. thanks."

Friday, April 17, 2009

i have sleeping problems

 any suggestions?
 this is all i can come up with... but i don't know if i can live with the side effects...... 

Thursday, April 16, 2009



big problems

big, big, big 90210 problems. i watch so many episodes a day... i am dreaming about the peach pit... and brandon telling me things i don't want to hear. "shut up brandon" is the new name of this blog.. and then there is steve... don't get me started dude.