Sunday, June 28, 2009

pride, riots, bravery and death videos

i want to send my love and support to all my beloved homos.... it's pride day!!!!...the anniversary of the stonewall riots... i always get real reflective and emotional on days like makes me think about activism, personal bravery, oppression and change...and if you know me.. you know that these are all things i like to think about.... sorry..but i have to get all serious for a minute...
 it sucks to be held down by something or someone...even if it's yourself... and typically we think of bravery as a heroic act done out of some life threatening situation...but bravery can be tiny moments that we live out everyday... like speaking up to a co-worker when they are making racist jokes, or a mother leaving the abusive father of her children for a heather can be a soccer playing kid on the playground  pushing the swing for the girl with ugly clothes in front of all his friends.... it's totally relative....  the past few weeks i have been  holding daily bravery at the front of my thoughts... i have friends who are going through shitty times and the way they push through and do really really really hard things is amazing to me. 
Have you seen the video of Neda Agha Soltani? She was shot during a protest in Tehran... and now every fucking asshole is watching her bleed to death out of her face on youtube.... but i think it's getting people talking...about different types of bravery and how we need to stand up for the shit that's right..even if it's hard or scary.... you are never ever alone...there is always someone else who wants to stand up with you...or hold your hand while you shout...even if you are shouting at yourself in the mirror...
all of the people at stonewall decided enough was enough... the women of Tehran are really fucking sick of the bullshit... the black panthers had some shit to did Rosa parks..and guess what dudes... it's just as important to tell your mother in law what you think about apartheid or to let your neighbor know that the confederate flag in his front yard means a bunch of shitty stuff.... and even more important is to tell yourself that you can do hard things..and make things better... i call it "mind riots" and i do it all the time...  let's do it together...i will hold your hand.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

the most famous child molester in the world is dead at 50

 the story seems fishy......  so does his chin.....any thoughts? 

i sold my ex-boyfriends shoes because he has a really bad attitude

so i used to live with this dude..who was my boyfriend...and who wasn't the coolest person to spend time with.... he was the kind of guy who would wake up scowling and foaming at the mouth with bad vibes..and as the day went on he just got worse...i would always bring him donuts(cuz he loved them..and i would try to cheer him up) and he would grab them out of my hand and ask me to go away.... as i'm typing this i am thinking to myself "be nice....don't talk too much shit" but fuck it! this is my blog motherfuckers and i am the boss of my own mind! 

o.k here is some dirt: literally minutes after getting personal with each other for the first time..he turned to me and said "i'm totally in love with this girl _______, she is so awesome..she is really smart and pretty and funny" AND I LET HIM LIVE! i didn't kick him out of my bed or kill his face..i listened to him lament about it for a grueling half hour!  I was really young and in a phase of my life where i thought i could win over the hearts of all grouchy people with my pie baking skills..patience...and love for fugazi

this boy had NO MANNERS! he chewed with his mouth open, made me sleep on the floor while he took the bed, had me take the bus home from his house which took over an hour (15 minutes by car) he could sleep in for 15 extra minutes... he doesn't say thank you or help ladies carry heavy boxes...he is rude..and he is SOOOOO not cute or talented enough to be rude like know what i mean? 
anyway ....when we called it quits he left a shit-ton of his crappy crap in my house..for me to deal with (typical) some of the stuff he wanted...some of it he didn't... so after calling him to have him pick up his smelly rude shit..and he didn't show....i lost it... i decided to sell his stuff in front of the shop i run...and buy myself something pretty with
 the profits....but..i hatched this evil plan instead....
this dude named Slats lives in my neighborhood. He is a icon of heroine... punk and hairdoooos. he swaggers and falls asleep all over town with a cigarette delicately dangling between his aging lips keeping the drool company...... you can tell by his 3 t-shirts that he loves the NY dolls, ramones and well..the ramones. I love him..he has been a customer of my shop for over a decade and i never really feel at home unless i see him weekly...but... he is quite a sight..

so back to my "asshole sale".... slats comes up to the table and starts looking at the dudes shoes i have for sale..lucky day! they wear the same size!! how much are they you ask dear Slats! all 4 pairs for a nickle! unbelievable! yes! all of them!!! please take is a bag..enjoy!
so for the next year or so..every time i saw slats i would look down and see jerky ex boyfriends shoes supporting the arches of Seattle's most loved junkie!    best.yard sale.ever!  
p.s more slats stories to come!

unreasonable prices

so i was vacationing in a small lakeside town a while ago and came across this vending machine 

only to discover that the price was outrageous!!!   two dozen for $6!!!!
 what? are living on mars and night crawlers are used as currency to buy martian boy hookers? oh, excuse me "boys of the night" or "working gentleman" no! worms should be free..and if you insist on me paying for them they should be a nickel....thaaaat reminds me.....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

all I plan to accomplish this week is getting my hair this color


Did you ever see Poltergeist III? Do you lie awake at night worrying about what happened to that one guy named Scott? No? Well the guy who played Scott does. He pretty much worries enough for all of us.

Every time I go to the laundromat lately there's this guy there with a boombox listening to slow jams and lecturing people. He'll just fixate on whoever is dumb enough to look at him and talk at them until their laundry is done. Today he was listening to some song called "I Wanna Break It Off" (and the song was not about breaking up with somebody!!) and trying to give this surly old hippie slow-dancing instructions. It took him like, ten or fifteen minutes to work up to talking about putting his hand on "the breast".

You can tell when it's someone's first time at the laundromat because they're all trying to be good-natured to the guy and have a conversation with him. They're all, "hey, this guy's pretty funny." But like Pa Ingalls said, even the second time may be funny....but the third time's a whuppin'.

Darlene machine

So Crystal Lils post about 90's sardonic best friends got me thinking.... at least your not slutty backstabbing six from blossom....look at her then and now.... she is the psychical human manifestation of finding used/dirty underwear balled up in the middle of the street.her ass is freaking me the fuck out. i am taking a shower now. goodnight.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

please don't murder anything ever

I pay way too much attention to this blog Kindertrauma, which is where I found this video that pretty guarantees I won't be sleeping tonight:

I don't really remember this but I'm sure I saw it 100 times when I was a kid. Which is...not cool? Don't those bad guys know the robot is alive???

Maybe you need to have that erased from your brain by watching a very elegant man groom himself:

from lips and ribs

the real me

The other night someone said to me..."you are the epitome of the sardonic mid-90's best friend".
Ok I guess.

Then last night some girl I just met asked me "oh do you do model-ing?" and I was like "WHY??? Did you see a photo of me somehwere? WAS IT ON THE INTERNET?? WAS I NUDE??" and she was like " you have really nice bone structure," and I was like "OHHHH....thanks!"

Proving the first guy's point kind of?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Saturday, June 20, 2009

i can't open my e mail so i'm using our blog to send you a that weird?

Crystal Lil,
why can't i open my e-mail right now? is it because i ate 200 cookies for lunch AND dinner? yes. but here is the point of the story. i am going to call you tomorrow... sorry i keep missing your you know i have a habit of throwing my phone into large (and small) bodies of water... and /or setting fire to it...also being afraid of the sound of ringing...  but we have important things to discuss .. like pizza, feminism, mental problems, boys, cats who like to be stored in bags for fun, lady masking, hazardous hobbies and baking tips.... so expect a call..... and all the rest of you reading this.... mind your own business....  love always, friends forever 

Friday, June 19, 2009

kids are totally fucking weird. part 1 or "have fun with your brain"

i have a 9 year old neighbor who i totally adore more than most humans that walk the earth. we kick it all the time and he seriously LOVES gum. hubba bubba glop to be specific. he is always saying really funny shit and he has good we are pretty much the bestest of buds... he told me once that the reason we are such good friends is because we are "friendly and weird" he also told me that i am good at "gardening, drawing and teaching respect".... so true! 

so today he gave me a book that all the kids at his school's for the "this i believe" project on public radio...( ) check it's cool.... so i was reading the book and totally dying..because kids are bonkerzzzzzzz.  i wanted to share some of this with you because it is probably the most brilliant thing i have encountered in a long time... it's from kids  1st-5th grade....if you know a to them... they will tell you some weird weird shit...

a lot of the kids wrote some bullshit canned crap about believing in god and family and love...and a huge number of boys wrote that they believed that they would be rich and famous sports stars...some kids wrote really personal stuff about dead relatives, dads who are in jail..and one girl wrote about being a tomboy and being called a boy in the ladies bathroom.... it made me tear was really brave of her to share her story.... another kid wrote "i believe i can have all the shoes i want"  but then there are the kids that have crazy brain magic... i was a weird kid like them....and now look at me! i have a stupid blog and an attitude problem! there is hope!!!
 here are a few of my favorite excerpts:
"i believe in my dogs because i love dogs and cats. I have five cats,their names are Funky,Selina,Gomaz,Roady,Ruffy and Ruffle.I love dogs and cats because  they are really nice.i believe in horses because i like them. They are like humans to me and they also come alive in my dreams"

my neighbor had this to say:  "I believe in ufo's because i have seen them in the sky at night.I've seen them with my own eyes in the sky. I've seen 600 of them in one day! I want to meet the UFOs. I believe in the lochness monster. I've seen a movie that is a true story about them!"
i asked him about it and he said they are black and look like 2 sombreros stuck together....awesome!
this girl in 2nd grade said this: "i believe it is important to design clothes because without clothes no one would have anything to wear."  she is going to grow up to be a bitch...just watch...
ok, this is my all time favorite..i keep reading it over and is soooo good. this kid is in 2nd grade : 

"my brain is as big as a tree stump, or a volcano screaming a roar, maybe a carpet. um...maybe a carpet above the floor, how about a friendship. A big gigantic heart. A beautiful brain is beautiful to me, but yucky to you, a slimy thing is better than not knowing anything. Just know a brain is great just like you. Your brain is like technology, working even in a storm. If you like eating shredded wheat your brain is giant, so it loves to work. Don't hate your brain, it helps you learn how to write,read,spell and learn. Have fun with your brain. just be yourself so it will work, give your brain energy so eat breakfast everyday!"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

some things that made me cry today

1.This video about a compulsive hoarder trying to get it together so his buddy can sit in a comfortable chair when he comes over.

2.This fact I read that Dolly Parton sends every child in Tennessee a book on their first birthday (I have no idea if this is true, but it probably is, right?).

3, 4.This song:

Both the original version and this version, so it counts as two.

5. Life

Monday, June 15, 2009

hip hop teen trannies

ok...can we talk about something for a minute here? Teens (like my teen dream boy friend lil king) are using the word boi to talk about biological "cool swaggy hard  hip hoppy" dudes are- like- all- "holla at your boi".... news flash to all teens that live life as the gender they were born: that is not your word. you are a boy. give the trannies their boi time.. and then explain to me what swagggg means..cuz i want to know so i can be close to you.
 by the way....this photo is fucking brilliant! it's from his myspace says "da mike booth"
i guess when you are 16 you can use paint tape.. a hanger and a jizz sock to make your rap studio.... i'm inspired.... keep an eye out for my version.... freestyles will follow....beware!

my boi lil king

his birthday is april 15th and he is getting a new computer. he is my new internet boyfriend. we have soooo much in common. i think i love him.

confidential to Lil King: lets hump (with our pants on of course)
p.s please take note of the framed picture of his parents in the background.
p.p.s you can see him live at the rutledge county fair..pick up an elephant ear while you are there.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Way to ruin a natural, zesty enterprise!

Today I had to go somewhere and rode the bus instead of riding my bike because I'm mentally ill. Immediately after I made this decision 50,000 women with strollers boarded said bus to punish me personally. This lady sitting in front of me kept turning around at regular intervals and screaming "SHUT YOUR MOUTH WILLIAM!! SHUSH IT UP!!" in response to absolutely nothing or nobody that I could hear. Seriously, nothing. What my brain did in response to this is basically what happened in the Club Silencio scene from Mulholland Dr. when the girls start shaking uncontrollably and hugging each other, but instead of Roy Orbison covers it was a cold, dead shadow drifting over my brain whispering, ""

What the fuck kind of cock-fiend ice cream social were these women having where they had to all get on the bus with their strollers at the same time all screaming and spilling juice everywhere? I'm talking about the mothers. The babies were all sleeping for some reason. That reason is probably that they were all on heroin!!! Oh my god I just thought of that. How terrible. It's just an idea.

Basically if you have babies I hate you.

I probably shouldn't say that because my sister just had a baby and one of my best pals is a dad, but whatever, it's called having principles.

Do you know about these clowns that have 18 babies?

Apparently they are not allowed to interfere with getting fertilized in any way because of God, and the bible. But if you ask me that's kind of a cover story for something a lot more complicated going on upstairs, that we'll just call...being a cock fiend.
I know we had "cock fiend" removed from the DSM-IV and all, but maybe we should re-think that aspect of feminism. Seriously, look at her eyes:

How could you let a man ANYWHERE NEAR your privates EVER again after the first, I dunno, SEVEN babies came out of it?? have....a problem?
Is that rude, what I just said?

P.S. Sometimes when I get really worked up the f-word is said in John Malkovich's voice in my head...if you've seen Burn After Reading you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Friday, June 12, 2009

i had a lesbian midwife who gave birf to my mother

in the same vein as Crstal Lils posts about confusing movie star crushes...i have a confusing real life crush..well not a crush per se...

so a few days ago i was having dinner with a pal at this Thai restaurant that is known across the land for their abundance  of roaches.. aaaand  their delicious peanut sauce...but really folks.this peanut sauce is so fucking good i would eat it even if it had one thousand shrunken heads floating in 

  the place is really tiny and people are bonkers for the stuff so their is always a huge ass  line outside..they want you in and out quick so they have all kinds of ways to get you to leave.. a few years ago i was dining with a friend but we stuffed our tiny mouths soooo quickly and split because they were playing the same 5 guns and roses songs at a mega decibels... I don't care what you say.. NO ONE really likes G&R. you might say you do..but how often do you bust out your use your illusions 2 cassette and say "i have really been wanting to hear "my world" for.. like... ever" you don't. it never happens. you don't have to lie to kick it.

 aaanyhooo... so i 2 days ago i am sitting at the counter eating copious amounts of delectable Thai food and it's all loud and shit as usual and i'm telling my friend that i like the looks of the dude waiter ... ok..this part is totally normal because i am an asshole perv and i am always objectifying men and treating them like the man meat that they are....the unusual part is he looks nothing like the boys i usually wanna hot tongue... this dude had like- earrings or something. and long hair and he was all manly and tall and thai...and ...well..i don't really know what the deal was...but (again..being a total female pig) i had to talk openly about it..and it's usually so loud i could get away with it...buuuut... just  as i said "it's  weird... but i totally want to have gay sex with our waiter"  the room went silent and my voice echoed well into the next county.... where was axel rose when i needed him???..probably getting his corn rows done.... i was kinda embarrassed but mostly confused..what the fuck did i mean by that? can someone explain my own mind to me? please!? it made so much sense at the time.....
oh...and as a side 6th grade i wanted to get real personal with the kid in the "jeremy" video... i know he's no peter venkman ... but.....

Thursday, June 11, 2009

more movie crushes

Ok then - let's talk about this article. I have to take exception to Crispin Glover because he reminds me of every self-consciously "weird" dude I have ever met and vibes me as totally asexual. There are legions (legions, I swear) of girls who would tear me limb from limb for saying that though.

If I could go back in time and hang out in the 70's, and the opportunity to bone Klaus Kinski presented itself, I have to be totally honest with you and admit that I would do it. I would do it for the same reasons people do other fucked-up, terrifying things, like spelunking, or attaching leeches to themselves, or going on reality shows.

movie crushes that make no sense

Monday, June 8, 2009

Crystal Lil..... this is a call out.... get blogging

here..i'll start you off...

this is something really weird that i saw... your turn....

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Cheech and Mom

so when i was a tiny little weirdo my parents had a very special kind of garden.... they had peas and beans, squash, tomatoes, spinach, carrots ..aaaand weed. the weed was in a different part of the yard and was protected so i wouldn't get into it..they gave me tutorials on what plants i could eat and which ones i should "never ever ever ever eat the smelly plants"...those days are sooo long gone... many decades have passed..and they traded growing weed for peonies, roses poppies, lilacs and any and every beautiful flower you can think is a bunch of bouquets i just made from the bounty they gave me.... none of them were smelly so i tried a petal...and now my tongue is itchy...... awesome

Thursday, June 4, 2009

oh gee fucking wiz

i have been so busy and crazy and tired and weird and sweaty and worky..i have been neglecting the internet.... i have so many special things to tell you.... be patient and i will reward you with stuff you never knew you wanted to know about..... oh shit..what?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

that is the type of thing that goes on in a restaurant

Total pet peeve: this morning I got on the bus with a cup of coffee and the (male) bus driver was all "oh, did you bring me coffee?" Fuck that shit. Being eight in the morning and all I could only cock my eyebrow, but oh, that I could summon my inner Clair Huxtable at will:

if I could manifest even a fraction of her sass I could die happy.

Monday, June 1, 2009

welcome home

everything is juuuust where you left it