shut up ocean

2011-11-24T00:11:00.002-05:00

if you have any sense at all you will read the comments on our posts on this blog ...because i just did and they are fucking ridiculous ... someone get us both a lobotomy immediately

everything is everything is nothing so shut up

2011-04-25T14:33:00.007-04:00

i have been laying in bed a lot lately...for a lot of different reasons...some sweet some sad but a lot because i've been sick for almost 2 months.

i woke up this morning and realized that i have just been a shell of myself.... so useless and energy-less... i feel like i have a layer of ice and feathers and rocks and marshmallows covering my brain and body...i am starting to get freaked

a lot of things have been happening fast around me but i have yet to catch up...because i spend most of my time blowing my nose! How can you climb a tree , do witchcraft, bake someone you love a pie, write a letter, read a book, go on an adventure, plant a garden, tame a wild cat, visit your mother or be interesting at all when you feel like your blood is poison?

YOU CAN'T.

this is why i am trying to hatch a plan to get well now ..like today..like RIGHT NOW.. because i have so much to do. I have to fall in love with the living world again...and i need to do it NOW! i came up with something in my sleep that involves a fist full of money, a midnight airplane ride and a bowl of figs and honey... aaaand a night time walk over the best bridge my eyes have ever known...i think it might work!

when i walked outside the other morning the sweetest someone said to me "do you smell that? it smells like spring" i couldn't...i couldn't breathe...and spring is my favorite time to be alive... i want to smell the air and hold hands and pick flowers from other peoples yard (but just 1..i'm not a glutton you jerk), i want to clean my fucking house and then i want to eat a carrot and listen to one hundred records... i want all the good things in the whole world but i especially want to wake up feeling real in my bones...crossing all fingers. wish me luck

what i did when you weren't looking

2010-12-23T02:52:00.003-05:00

i lost it all and watched it go

I'm here to help

2010-10-03T15:58:00.001-04:00

My friend Tim showed me this, and now I am showing you, Friends Forever, so that you can learn a thing or two about the terrible and embarrassing habit you are trying to develop.

2009 was our year

2010-09-10T19:00:00.003-04:00

if you are just stumbling on this blog might i suggest (or force) you to skip this bullshit from 2010 and get right to the sweet sweet love of 2009... for real dude... 2010 was the year of snake pit mind traps and the electric boogaloo performed by geriatric coke fiends... bad news...

I specialize in creepin' toooo!!!!!!!!!!

internet porn for the modern lady

2010-09-10T01:45:00.002-04:00

hello and hi

2010-08-24T03:36:00.004-04:00

do you know what's crazy?
EVERYTHING! seriously.. this is true. i decided a month ago that it was the first day of the rest of my life.. and it was really awesome.. i felt all blah blah blah...

then i found a four leaf clover (that i subsequently decided to press and then forgot where i put it..so now i cant even use it's precious powers ) whatever. i started carrying a chunk of labradorite in my pocket and listening to a whole shit load of soul music...

now... i am obviously a fucking weirdo (see previous 1 million posts) but i'm the kind of weirdo who is aware of what a i am ..and laughs at myself for using "animal spirit medicine cards" to read my future, or putting pennies in my shoe... but with this whole rest of my life bullshit kick i'm on.. i am spending a lot of time rolling my eyes at myself when i feel like putting quartz crystals in my drinking water... whatever gets you through i guess...

it's been a weird time in my life...the last few years have brought about a lot of crazy changes good and bad.. but i have spent enough time living in those moments and am ready to move on to the next thing... and i needed to kick myself in the face a little bit to get the ball rolling... hence my crazy ass idea to start a new day... so far it's been pretty awesome... except the part where i got a full face tattoo... oh well... you can't win em' all

glass vampire planet ...the epic story

2010-06-08T03:42:00.006-04:00

there is a woman that i know from my workplace that i adore.

she is lovely, kind and creative fist and schizophrenic second... even in her delusions she is sweet and intuitive and careful and full of some kind of understanding that you don't find in many people. She knits and sews and makes jewelry..

she believes she is part pterodactyl with long horn teeth. she is part human and part rat with gills. she took a lie detector test and found out she is 67 years old. she hides on land that is off the grid to keep her safe until she can catch the snake that has been tormenting her. she does hard work feeding large animals to larger animals....

the first time i met her i had just moved home from somewhere far away... i was happy to be home but longing for everything i had left too... it was my second day back when she came in to my shop. she looked me in the eye and said " do you ever grow bigger than your space? have you ever been driven out by how big you have become? sometimes you need to go where you can get your next set of teeth. that's how you know you are growing. and we are growing...you are growing"

she went on to explain how fucking hard and painful and weird it is to grow out of the space you have grown accustom to being in. she explained how even if it is super shitty and it leaves you outside 90% of the time you have to do it. i think about it all the time. i had to do it too... her version of this is so much different than mine... hard and scary in different ways...

i later found out from her family that around the time she said this to me ..she had left the shelter she was living in...and went back to the streets...
in days and weeks after that conversation she would come in and tell me how things were hard... but she was making it through... she told me she was just moving on to the next step... she also went through a break up and told me how she went from the warmth of being on the inside of knowing someone to the coldest rattle in her chest... she had so many things going on in her world ...but she always had this sense of understanding that it wouldn't stay that way forever....

to be continued......

can you freeze cheese

2010-03-18T00:54:00.004-04:00

i have spent the last few days having really bad times on the phone. i keep having awkward conversations and hanging up with a bad taste in my mouth. i really and truly hate the phone but for some reason i am finding myself on it soooo soooo soooo much. can't i just see you and tell you all of the things i have to say? i have so many facial gestures that you are missing when the phone is involved. and forget it if someone is in a bad mood and you are talking to them on "the devils tin can" everything gets fucked and you might as well go bob for razor blades. i quit. write me a letter. come over. or send someone with a telegram... i wish it was easier to say words into a machine.

what to do if you think you are loosing your mind

2010-01-27T19:36:00.004-05:00

1. spend all your babysitting money on fancy booze ... then never open the bottles.. just look at them and wish you had the will to drink more

2. sit on a tiny stool (and by tiny i mean child size) in your kitchen to eat dinner..or really to do anything at all... read a book, bake cookies, devise evil plans of various sorts ... everything looks different when you are sitting on a tiny stool in the kitchen..even the inside of your own mind

3. sleep with your head a the foot of your bed.. htis tricks your sleeping brain into believing that while you slept.. you turned into someone else..so when you wake up you might be able to live a different life...yessssss!

4. never go home right after work... walk the streets aimlesslly, start making friends with the homeless lady that seemes to have a psychic connection with you and hang out with her... you will learn SO many things about growing multiple sets of teeth.. sewing up your gills so mean girls wont know you are a giant rat with gills and vampire teeth... and how to feed large animals to larger animals... this will calm you immensely in times of strife

5. walk 200 miles a day..quicky... so quickly that no one could ever catch up with you..even if you set out on said walk with soemone..it will remind you that we all travel alone...ALONE BITCHES!

6. post totally bonkers really depressing shit on the blog that you have been neglecting... that way all the people in NORWAY who google somthing weird to find your blog will know whats really up with americans...thy all want to eat a tiny sandwich that simulates a lobotomy !!!!!!

ohhhhhh shiiiiiit

I am having a terrible time

2010-01-26T01:47:00.002-05:00

this is what the inside of my own mind looks like...it's not pretty folks.. it's just not pretty

Horrible Bats!!!!!!!!!!

2009-10-13T20:40:00.010-04:00

it's almost Halloween and today i went to a pumpkin patch...this is my favorite thing to do in life..i will tell you why...

Halloween is the only time of year where no one looks at you weird when you talk about how haunted your mind is... they think you are being "seasonal" or something...ha! little do they know i am totally fucking bonkers!!!!!!

Picking out my perfect pumpkin meshes my aesthetic obsessions with some real talk o.c.d.... the possibilities are endless.. you can wander around in a daze comparing and contrasting shape texture size color etc... and you get filthy ...so you need to wash your hands a billion times ..jack pot!!!!

so this pumpkin patch i went to had: emus, a lama, rams, goats chickens turkeys rabbits and a whole bunch of other stinky and sweet farm animals..including this nice cow named "drinky"! (click photo to enlarge)

i was in heaven! i bought a emu egg for $5 which i considered quite the bargain.... but the thing that really impressed me was these horrible bats.... H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E!

apparently this was inspirational to others because later i was told by a loved one (and i quote) "you have a bonfire behind both eyes and horrible bats in the attic" thanks jerk!

blog neglect makes the baby jesus cry

2009-10-13T20:31:00.002-04:00

Crystal Lil and I are total human jerks! we never put out the nice dishes for company..we swear..she smokes...we see hookers on the regular.. and we NEVER EVER EVER blog anymore! well my little babies...that is all gunna change! i know i am always full of false promises...but!!!!! i am hoping to make good on this shit! yahhhhhhh! bog 'till i bleeeed! (but i am still not using any punctuation ...and fuck spell check! you can't get everything you want bitch!)

pretend he's the bad guy

2009-09-22T23:08:00.001-04:00

discuss.

spank me Anthony Bourdain

2009-09-08T21:15:00.005-04:00

have i ever mentioned to the internet how i want Anthony Bourdain to frazz the living hell out of me? Well i'm gunna tell you right now buster.... can we arrange a spanking please?
He HATES vegitarians so it might be a bit of a problem for me...but for real... i know i am among many many women who want to be brutally dominated by this silver haired fuck machiene... he is such a snarky bitch... i wanna piece y'all.

lifes little questions

2009-09-01T18:18:00.004-04:00

here is one i have been pondering for a few days now:

is it a good idea to let you 62 year old bipolar mother go on a "road trip" by herself for 3 weeks in which she plans to quit smoking after 44 years and go on a gem hunting expedition? huh? is it?

She hasn't been camping in about 15 years... and she informed us that she feels kinda invincible right now... did i mention that she is 5 feet tall and weighs 105 pounds? needless to say i am losing my fucking mind.... the idea of her on a manic low wandering around in uncharted rocky terrain ...nic fitting ...and feeling alone on this planet is tooooo much. what the shit?

wednesday

2009-08-26T12:08:00.001-04:00

you should have seen tuesday

I've been learning a lot about beauty lately

2009-08-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

rumors confirmed:

2009-08-04T03:35:00.005-04:00

EVERYTHING IS STUPID.... ON THIS EARTH

i am a lazy blog jerk

2009-07-31T02:32:00.002-04:00

it is so hot and summery... i have been neglecting my blog duties.... but hold tight people of the blog world.... i have more asshole things to say.. but i have to go swimming first...

the most haunted places I have ever been in my life, part 1!

2009-07-29T00:21:00.005-04:00

Turns out I am a total baby when the temp reaches triple digits. Even though my only ordeal in life this week is to figure out who's going to the river with me and when we're going, I spend my nights thrashing around hot sheets and having crazy nightmares about an apartment I looked at over five years ago.

This place was upstairs from a vintage store and had some insane energy I can only describe as "mind-bending". Not only was it haunted, but the ghosts had mental illness. The second I walked in my brain felt like a videotape with a magnet stuck to it and I had a hard time looking at things. It was a mostly windowless labyrinthine apartment advertised as a one bedroom, even though it had seemingly endless cave-like black rooms branching off from too-low doorways that the tiny Eastern European woman showing the apartment wryly referred to as "extra rooms". One of them had nothing but grimy walls and a cracked yellow chair (oh yeah, there was half-busted furniture piled everywhere) and I couldn't even cross the doorway without feeling like I was going to throw up. Each room had a differently psychedelic patterned 70's carpet in just plain wrong colors.

I think there was a trapdoor in the bedroom floor but I might have imagined that. It was so dark in there anyway.

The worst was the bathroom, a long narrow yellow room that seemed like it was meant for another purpose, and the far wall had what I recall to be about three extra doors, each featuring at least four locks of the chain/deadbolt variety. I asked the woman where these doors went and she just looked at me, shook her head and said "no," then walked out of the room.

I've had so many dreams about this apartment that I might be remembering it as way freakier than it actually was, but it made me feel like I had been plopped into a Jodorowsky film against my will.

There is no way in hell I'd even spend the night in this place, let alone live there, and I can't imagine what kind of person ended up taking it. Did they say "yessir, this is exactly where I would like to live for three months before I finally lose my shit and slaughter a bunch of people at Ikea then the police bust in and find wall-sized collage diagrams of my broken mind," or "I need someplace to make furniture out dead bodies, this is perfect!"

I've been poring over the classifieds trying to see if this place ever becomes available again so I can go back and video the whole tour. I tried looking up the crime records online for the neighborhood to see if anything really went down there, but that sort of info isn't as available as you'd think. Sex offenders, yeah, mass murder not so much. I had a good talk with my friend Megan about this stuff recently and she said, "seriously, that is one of the few things you still really have to go to the library for."
UGH!! Will I finally have to pay my huge library fine?? That's what REALLY scares me!

it's 10 pm you guys

2009-07-27T01:02:00.002-04:00

contents of my sewing box

2009-07-26T17:58:00.004-04:00

A whole mess of vintage buttons too ugly to use that I kept because I liked the 1940's design of the cards they came attached
to.

5 skeins "moth-proof" mending yarn in assorted shades of gray.

About 50 sewing needles of various sizes still attached to cards.

About 50 more sewing needles floating around loose on the bottom of the box.

Several dozen vintage cardboard bobbins of various sizes, none of which my machine takes, fully wound with silk thread of various colors.

One large tangled mass of trim items so individually hideous (lime green rickrack, purple lace, insipid floral appliques, red sequin strands, etc) that I have never found any adequate reason to untangle it.

One pair of orange-handled sewing scissors labeled "FABRIC ONLY!!!" to discourage household scissor-thieves.

One pair of identical scissors labeled "HAIRBRUSH" in order to otherwise confound same.

An aspirin tin with some nails and crumbs of weed in it.

Three small plastic animals (elk, ram, bull).

17 marbles

Several tools absent-mindedly pressed into my hands by my grandmother while cleaning out her own sewing box, which I have yet to determine the function of.

I tried to plug in my sewing machine earlier but couldn't find an appropriate extension cord.

dear summer, my brain is broken

2009-07-26T16:41:00.004-04:00

Started re-reading The Infinite Jest with the vague intention of actually finishing it this time, figuring that 20 pages a day is totally doable in terms of getting to the end before "summer reading" time is totally over and I have to go inside permanently and read something more nourishing. (omg I HATE that word!!)

Problem is it's so not a summer book. I'm thinking about all the times you call somebody and their outgoing voicemail is all "Hey, I'll be out of town until Thursday whatever date" and what if they aren't out of town at all?? But holed up in the apartment doing anxious bong rips. It has probably happened in (my) real life at least a couple times.

I just feel super-weird because last night I had this nightmare where Jennifer Aniston told me I am wasting the best years of my life. But since later I'm gonna go have a picnic in a park where some nerds are re-enacting that one episode of "Star Trek" where Spock gets Vulcan boner fever, that can't possibly be true, right?

the new truth

2009-07-23T12:56:00.002-04:00

i am sick of all the hands in the world

i want presents damn it!!!!!

2009-07-21T02:54:00.003-04:00

can someone (anyone) who gives a shit about me please buy me this jello mold? i feel like i don't get enough presents.... really... i will tell you some other things i want too..just incase my friends start to care an ounce about my happiness... just saying

SHUT UP!!!!

2009-07-18T15:58:00.002-04:00

I sentence this owl to the electric chair.

a lot of different kinds of things happen

2009-07-13T01:02:00.008-04:00

when crystal lil and i get together witchcraft happens...

and haircuts happen and cocktail hour happens

and yummmmmy food happens..and we both learn alot about ourselves and each other.... i learned that i have 1950's best friend face...and crystal lil had an adult mouth even as a child..

we learned a new hand gesture that represents the Huxtables (from the Cosby show duh)

and we made horseradish vodka....

oh..and had a pizza party.... and learned that a Russian woman can lift 30 pounds with her lady bits... SICK...why does a person have to do that??? ugh!

basically...it's nice to remember all the things you love about your friends... especially when you live far away... basically crystal lil makes me feel like my bones are real... and it helps me have better posture and know what the color puce is... and when i'm with her i am able to find a entire collection of skin tone nylons and athletic sneakers...soooo glad we are friends!

the last time i saw you

2009-07-07T02:24:00.003-04:00

we were in the same room as this unicorn....

i think i am coming over tomorrow...are you ready for witchcraft? are you ready for my new classy fingernail polish? are you ready for my suitcase full of rhubarb?

oh, fuck it, why not

2009-07-06T23:12:00.005-04:00

Do daytime pajamas necessarily = depression? Who are YOU to say??

let's talk about haunted outfits for one minute

2009-07-06T01:11:00.010-04:00

I just watched this movie, The Legend of Hell House, and it drove me absolutely bonkers. It's one of those movies that objectively isn't that great, but I can see myself watching this a million times because it looks so amazingly gorgeous. In a very particular way that seemed designed for my brain.

A lot of it has to do with this one character, a psychic played by Pamela Franklin (who I love, and is pretty much the reason I watched the movie in the first place). Her style is totally amazing. Forget what I said earlier about the psychedelic Bride of Frankenstein I found in Viva magazine. My new look is "oversensitive Puritan teenage psychic":

Please note that not only is ectoplasm streaming from her fingertips, she is dressed in a leotard, which you cannot tell from this photograph. But I mean. Doye, what else would you wear?

What else is required? Five thousand silver necklaces, and square toed red ankle boots. And giant collars and a weird cape/coat thing with puffy sleeves underneath. A body covered with cat scratches (way ahead on this one). And kind of a shitty dramatic attitude. I just realized this is totally not a summer look bee tee dubs.

What's up white/yellow Helvetica text on weirdly saturated color film making my brain freak out? Have you seen this website of all film title cards? Why am I such a nerd? Don't answer that. The guy who made this movie also made "Watcher In the Woods", so there you go.

this is part of the problem....IN LIFE!

2009-07-05T03:07:00.003-04:00

i spent the afternoon being harassed by my mother and my x-boyfriend from j.r high...do you people know what that's like???? i hope not!!!!...clearly i am insane because i allowed this to happen.. my mother hates me and LOOOOOVES the x- boyfriend..... the two of them together suck my will to exist in this world.... it was a entire afternoon of them hating my face out loud as i cooked food for them... i was invited over... apparently to do work and be the butt of a lot of jokes and cherry pit throwing..i'm pretty proud of myself for not filleting any humans.... i know that they thought it was all in good fun.. but by the time i got home i wanted to dissolve my bones in a bath of acid and continue the rest of my life as a brain seeking zombie..... next time something seems like a good idea to me..i will just slam my hand in the silverware drawer then take a nap...this plan will keep me out of a lot of trouble... hopefulllllly

i want everything to be ok

2009-07-05T02:59:00.003-04:00

and if i write this down... the Internet will make it true.... it's like positive technology manifestation.... i made this up..but it seems like it could be real.....right?

everything will be ok

the universe will protect

good choices will be made

things will be good

i have human worry...it eats my brain

i bought a octopus with my brother

2009-07-04T02:05:00.003-04:00

and tomorrow i am going to cook it ... what will happen?

no one knows.....

sometimes my mind riots can't get organized

2009-06-29T21:46:00.002-04:00

pride, riots, bravery and death videos

2009-06-28T20:54:00.006-04:00

i want to send my love and support to all my beloved homos.... it's pride day!!!!...the anniversary of the stonewall riots... i always get real reflective and emotional on days like this...it makes me think about activism, personal bravery, oppression and change...and if you know me.. you know that these are all things i like to think about.... sorry..but i have to get all serious for a minute...

it sucks to be held down by something or someone...even if it's yourself... and typically we think of bravery as a heroic act done out of some life threatening situation...but bravery can be tiny moments that we live out everyday... like speaking up to a co-worker when they are making racist jokes, or a mother leaving the abusive father of her children for a heather life...it can be a soccer playing kid on the playground pushing the swing for the girl with ugly clothes in front of all his friends.... it's totally relative.... the past few weeks i have been holding daily bravery at the front of my thoughts... i have friends who are going through shitty times and the way they push through and do really really really hard things is amazing to me.

Have you seen the video of Neda Agha Soltani? She was shot during a protest in Tehran... and now every fucking asshole is watching her bleed to death out of her face on youtube.... but i think it's getting people talking...about different types of bravery and how we need to stand up for the shit that's right..even if it's hard or scary.... you are never ever alone...there is always someone else who wants to stand up with you...or hold your hand while you shout...even if you are shouting at yourself in the mirror...

all of the people at stonewall decided enough was enough... the women of Tehran are really fucking sick of the bullshit... the black panthers had some shit to say..so did Rosa parks..and guess what dudes... it's just as important to tell your mother in law what you think about apartheid or to let your neighbor know that the confederate flag in his front yard means a bunch of shitty stuff.... and even more important is to tell yourself that you can do hard things..and make things better... i call it "mind riots" and i do it all the time... let's do it together...i will hold your hand.

NEWS: anything and everything that has ever happened or will happen is weird

2009-06-27T00:18:00.002-04:00

deal with it.

the most famous child molester in the world is dead at 50

2009-06-25T19:18:00.004-04:00

the story seems fishy...... so does his chin.....any thoughts?

i sold my ex-boyfriends shoes because he has a really bad attitude

2009-06-25T02:10:00.012-04:00

so i used to live with this dude..who was my boyfriend...and who wasn't the coolest person to spend time with.... he was the kind of guy who would wake up scowling and foaming at the mouth with bad vibes..and as the day went on he just got worse...i would always bring him donuts(cuz he loved them..and i would try to cheer him up) and he would grab them out of my hand and ask me to go away.... as i'm typing this i am thinking to myself "be nice....don't talk too much shit" but fuck it! this is my blog motherfuckers and i am the boss of my own mind!

o.k here is some dirt: literally minutes after getting personal with each other for the first time..he turned to me and said "i'm totally in love with this girl _______, she is so awesome..she is really smart and pretty and funny" AND I LET HIM LIVE! i didn't kick him out of my bed or kill his face..i listened to him lament about it for a grueling half hour! I was really young and in a phase of my life where i thought i could win over the hearts of all grouchy people with my pie baking skills..patience...and love for fugazi

this boy had NO MANNERS! he chewed with his mouth open, made me sleep on the floor while he took the bed, had me take the bus home from his house which took over an hour (15 minutes by car)..so he could sleep in for 15 extra minutes... he doesn't say thank you or help ladies carry heavy boxes...he is rude..and he is SOOOOO not cute or talented enough to be rude like that..you know what i mean?

anyway ....when we called it quits he left a shit-ton of his crappy crap in my house..for me to deal with (typical) some of the stuff he wanted...some of it he didn't... so after calling him to have him pick up his smelly rude shit..and he didn't show....i lost it... i decided to sell his stuff in front of the shop i run...and buy myself something pretty with

the profits....but..i hatched this evil plan instead....

this dude named Slats lives in my neighborhood. He is a icon of heroine... punk and hairdoooos. he swaggers and falls asleep all over town with a cigarette delicately dangling between his aging lips keeping the drool company...... you can tell by his 3 t-shirts that he loves the NY dolls, ramones and well..the ramones. I love him..he has been a customer of my shop for over a decade and i never really feel at home unless i see him weekly...but... he is quite a sight..

so back to my "asshole sale".... slats comes up to the table and starts looking at the dudes shoes i have for sale..lucky day! they wear the same size!! how much are they you ask dear Slats! all 4 pairs for a nickle! unbelievable! yes! all of them!!! please take them..here is a bag..enjoy!

so for the next year or so..every time i saw slats i would look down and see jerky ex boyfriends shoes supporting the arches of Seattle's most loved junkie! best.yard sale.ever!

p.s more slats stories to come!

unreasonable prices

2009-06-25T02:01:00.006-04:00

so i was vacationing in a small lakeside town a while ago and came across this vending machine

only to discover that the price was outrageous!!! two dozen for $6!!!!

what? are living on mars and night crawlers are used as currency to buy martian boy hookers? oh, excuse me "boys of the night" or "working gentleman" no! worms should be free..and if you insist on me paying for them they should be a nickel....thaaaat reminds me.....

all I plan to accomplish this week is getting my hair this color

2009-06-24T21:40:00.000-04:00

closure

2009-06-24T19:27:00.010-04:00

Did you ever see Poltergeist III? Do you lie awake at night worrying about what happened to that one guy named Scott? No? Well the guy who played Scott does. He pretty much worries enough for all of us.

Every time I go to the laundromat lately there's this guy there with a boombox listening to slow jams and lecturing people. He'll just fixate on whoever is dumb enough to look at him and talk at them until their laundry is done. Today he was listening to some song called "I Wanna Break It Off" (and the song was not about breaking up with somebody!!) and trying to give this surly old hippie slow-dancing instructions. It took him like, ten or fifteen minutes to work up to talking about putting his hand on "the breast".

You can tell when it's someone's first time at the laundromat because they're all trying to be good-natured to the guy and have a conversation with him. They're all, "hey, this guy's pretty funny." But like Pa Ingalls said, even the second time may be funny....but the third time's a whuppin'.

Darlene machine

2009-06-24T01:45:00.005-04:00

So Crystal Lils post about 90's sardonic best friends got me thinking.... at least your not slutty backstabbing six from blossom....look at her then and now.... she is the psychical human manifestation of finding used/dirty underwear balled up in the middle of the street.her ass is freaking me the fuck out. i am taking a shower now. goodnight.

please don't murder anything ever

2009-06-23T21:03:00.003-04:00

I pay way too much attention to this blog Kindertrauma, which is where I found this video that pretty guarantees I won't be sleeping tonight:

I don't really remember this but I'm sure I saw it 100 times when I was a kid. Which is...not cool? Don't those bad guys know the robot is alive???

Maybe you need to have that erased from your brain by watching a very elegant man groom himself:

from lips and ribs

the real me

2009-06-23T05:09:00.003-04:00

The other night someone said to me..."you are the epitome of the sardonic mid-90's best friend".
Whaaa??
Ok I guess.

Then last night some girl I just met asked me "oh do you do model-ing?" and I was like "WHY??? Did you see a photo of me somehwere? WAS IT ON THE INTERNET?? WAS I NUDE??" and she was like "uh.....no you have really nice bone structure," and I was like "OHHHH....thanks!"

Proving the first guy's point kind of?

I really want a tattoo of this

2009-06-22T16:40:00.002-04:00

crystal lil.....this ones for you

2009-06-21T22:15:00.000-04:00

i can't open my e mail so i'm using our blog to send you a message...is that weird?

2009-06-20T05:01:00.004-04:00

Crystal Lil,

why can't i open my e-mail right now? is it because i ate 200 cookies for lunch AND dinner? yes. but here is the point of the story. i am going to call you tomorrow... sorry i keep missing your calls...as you know i have a habit of throwing my phone into large (and small) bodies of water... and /or setting fire to it...also being afraid of the sound of ringing... but we have important things to discuss .. like pizza, feminism, mental problems, boys, cats who like to be stored in bags for fun, lady masking, hazardous hobbies and baking tips.... so expect a call..... and all the rest of you reading this.... mind your own business.... love always, friends forever

kids are totally fucking weird. part 1 or "have fun with your brain"

2009-06-19T04:13:00.008-04:00

i have a 9 year old neighbor who i totally adore more than most humans that walk the earth. we kick it all the time and he seriously LOVES gum. hubba bubba glop to be specific. he is always saying really funny shit and he has good manners...so we are pretty much the bestest of buds... he told me once that the reason we are such good friends is because we are "friendly and weird" he also told me that i am good at "gardening, drawing and teaching respect".... so true!

so today he gave me a book that all the kids at his school made...it's for the "this i believe" project on public radio...( thisibelieve.org ) check it out.it's cool.... so i was reading the book and totally dying..because kids are bonkerzzzzzzz. i wanted to share some of this with you because it is probably the most brilliant thing i have encountered in a long time... it's from kids 1st-5th grade....if you know a kid..talk to them... they will tell you some weird weird shit...

a lot of the kids wrote some bullshit canned crap about believing in god and family and love...and a huge number of boys wrote that they believed that they would be rich and famous sports stars...some kids wrote really personal stuff about dead relatives, dads who are in jail..and one girl wrote about being a tomboy and being called a boy in the ladies bathroom.... it made me tear up..it was really brave of her to share her story.... another kid wrote "i believe i can have all the shoes i want" but then there are the kids that have crazy brain magic... i was a weird kid like them....and now look at me! i have a stupid blog and an attitude problem! there is hope!!!

here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"i believe in my dogs because i love dogs and cats. I have five cats,their names are Funky,Selina,Gomaz,Roady,Ruffy and Ruffle.I love dogs and cats because they are really nice.i believe in horses because i like them. They are like humans to me and they also come alive in my dreams"

my neighbor had this to say: "I believe in ufo's because i have seen them in the sky at night.I've seen them with my own eyes in the sky. I've seen 600 of them in one day! I want to meet the UFOs. I believe in the lochness monster. I've seen a movie that is a true story about them!"

i asked him about it and he said they are black and look like 2 sombreros stuck together....awesome!

this girl in 2nd grade said this: "i believe it is important to design clothes because without clothes no one would have anything to wear." she is going to grow up to be a bitch...just watch...

ok, this is my all time favorite..i keep reading it over and over..it is soooo good. this kid is in 2nd grade :

"my brain is as big as a tree stump, or a volcano screaming a roar, maybe a carpet. um...maybe a carpet above the floor, how about a friendship. A big gigantic heart. A beautiful brain is beautiful to me, but yucky to you, a slimy thing is better than not knowing anything. Just know a brain is great just like you. Your brain is like technology, working even in a storm. If you like eating shredded wheat your brain is giant, so it loves to work. Don't hate your brain, it helps you learn how to write,read,spell and learn. Have fun with your brain. just be yourself so it will work, give your brain energy so eat breakfast everyday!"

some things that made me cry today

2009-06-16T20:21:00.002-04:00

1.This video about a compulsive hoarder trying to get it together so his buddy can sit in a comfortable chair when he comes over.

2.This fact I read that Dolly Parton sends every child in Tennessee a book on their first birthday (I have no idea if this is true, but it probably is, right?).

3, 4.This song:

Both the original version and this version, so it counts as two.

5. Life

hip hop teen trannies

2009-06-15T18:25:00.005-04:00

ok...can we talk about something for a minute here? Teens (like my teen dream boy friend lil king) are using the word boi to talk about biological males...like "cool swaggy hard hip hoppy" dudes are- like- all- "holla at your boi".... news flash to all teens that live life as the gender they were born: that is not your word. you are a boy. give the trannies their boi time.. and then explain to me what swagggg means..cuz i want to know so i can be close to you.

by the way....this photo is fucking brilliant! it's from his myspace page..it says "da mike booth"

i guess when you are 16 you can use paint tape.. a hanger and a jizz sock to make your rap studio.... i'm inspired.... keep an eye out for my version.... freestyles will follow....beware!

my boi lil king

2009-06-15T18:21:00.002-04:00

his birthday is april 15th and he is getting a new computer. he is my new internet boyfriend. we have soooo much in common. i think i love him.

confidential to Lil King: lets hump (with our pants on of course)

p.s please take note of the framed picture of his parents in the background.

p.p.s you can see him live at the rutledge county fair..pick up an elephant ear while you are there.

Way to ruin a natural, zesty enterprise!

2009-06-13T00:03:00.010-04:00

Today I had to go somewhere and rode the bus instead of riding my bike because I'm mentally ill. Immediately after I made this decision 50,000 women with strollers boarded said bus to punish me personally. This lady sitting in front of me kept turning around at regular intervals and screaming "SHUT YOUR MOUTH WILLIAM!! SHUSH IT UP!!" in response to absolutely nothing or nobody that I could hear. Seriously, nothing. What my brain did in response to this is basically what happened in the Club Silencio scene from Mulholland Dr. when the girls start shaking uncontrollably and hugging each other, but instead of Roy Orbison covers it was a cold, dead shadow drifting over my brain whispering, "there....is....no....William"

What the fuck kind of cock-fiend ice cream social were these women having where they had to all get on the bus with their strollers at the same time all screaming and spilling juice everywhere? I'm talking about the mothers. The babies were all sleeping for some reason. That reason is probably that they were all on heroin!!! Oh my god I just thought of that. How terrible. It's just an idea.

Basically if you have babies I hate you.

I probably shouldn't say that because my sister just had a baby and one of my best pals is a dad, but whatever, it's called having principles.

Do you know about these clowns that have 18 babies?

Apparently they are not allowed to interfere with getting fertilized in any way because of God, and the bible. But if you ask me that's kind of a cover story for something a lot more complicated going on upstairs, that we'll just call...being a cock fiend.
I know we had "cock fiend" removed from the DSM-IV and all, but maybe we should re-think that aspect of feminism. Seriously, look at her eyes:

How could you let a man ANYWHERE NEAR your privates EVER again after the first, I dunno, SEVEN babies came out of it?? Unless....you have....a problem?
Is that rude, what I just said?

P.S. Sometimes when I get really worked up the f-word is said in John Malkovich's voice in my head...if you've seen Burn After Reading you know exactly what I'm talking about.

i had a lesbian midwife who gave birf to my mother

2009-06-12T02:53:00.010-04:00

in the same vein as Crstal Lils posts about confusing movie star crushes...i have a confusing real life crush..well not a crush per se...

so a few days ago i was having dinner with a pal at this Thai restaurant that is known across the land for their abundance of roaches.. aaaand their delicious peanut sauce...but really folks.this peanut sauce is so fucking good i would eat it even if it had one thousand shrunken heads floating in it....oh.my.shit.

the place is really tiny and people are bonkers for the stuff so their is always a huge ass line outside..they want you in and out quick so they have all kinds of ways to get you to leave.. a few years ago i was dining with a friend but we stuffed our tiny mouths soooo quickly and split because they were playing the same 5 guns and roses songs at a mega decibels... I don't care what you say.. NO ONE really likes G&R. you might say you do..but how often do you bust out your use your illusions 2 cassette and say "i have really been wanting to hear "my world" for.. like... ever" you don't. it never happens. you don't have to lie to kick it.

aaanyhooo... so i 2 days ago i am sitting at the counter eating copious amounts of delectable Thai food and it's all loud and shit as usual and i'm telling my friend that i like the looks of the dude waiter ... ok..this part is totally normal because i am an asshole perv and i am always objectifying men and treating them like the man meat that they are....the unusual part is he looks nothing like the boys i usually wanna hot tongue... this dude had like- earrings or something. and long hair and he was all manly and tall and thai...and ...well..i don't really know what the deal was...but (again..being a total female pig) i had to talk openly about it..and it's usually so loud i could get away with it...buuuut... just as i said "it's weird... but i totally want to have gay sex with our waiter" the room went silent and my voice echoed well into the next county.... where was axel rose when i needed him???..probably getting his corn rows done.... i was kinda embarrassed but mostly confused..what the fuck did i mean by that? can someone explain my own mind to me? please!? it made so much sense at the time.....
oh...and as a side note..in 6th grade i wanted to get real personal with the kid in the "jeremy" video... i know he's no peter venkman ... but.....

more movie crushes

2009-06-11T13:32:00.009-04:00

Ok then - let's talk about this article. I have to take exception to Crispin Glover because he reminds me of every self-consciously "weird" dude I have ever met and vibes me as totally asexual. There are legions (legions, I swear) of girls who would tear me limb from limb for saying that though.

If I could go back in time and hang out in the 70's, and the opportunity to bone Klaus Kinski presented itself, I have to be totally honest with you and admit that I would do it. I would do it for the same reasons people do other fucked-up, terrifying things, like spelunking, or attaching leeches to themselves, or going on reality shows.

movie crushes that make no sense

2009-06-11T01:57:00.002-04:00

Crystal Lil..... this is a call out.... get blogging

2009-06-08T23:48:00.005-04:00

here..i'll start you off...

this is something really weird that i saw...

ok...now your turn....

Cheech and Mom

2009-06-06T01:10:00.004-04:00

so when i was a tiny little weirdo my parents had a very special kind of garden.... they had peas and beans, squash, tomatoes, spinach, carrots ..aaaand weed. the weed was in a different part of the yard and was protected so i wouldn't get into it..they gave me tutorials on what plants i could eat and which ones i should "never ever ever ever eat the smelly plants"...those days are sooo long gone... many decades have passed..and they traded growing weed for peonies, roses poppies, lilacs and any and every beautiful flower you can think of...here is a bunch of bouquets i just made from the bounty they gave me.... none of them were smelly so i tried a petal...and now my tongue is itchy...... awesome

oh gee fucking wiz

2009-06-04T01:16:00.002-04:00

i have been so busy and crazy and tired and weird and sweaty and worky..i have been neglecting the internet.... i have so many special things to tell you.... be patient and i will reward you with stuff you never knew you wanted to know about..... oh shit..what?

that is the type of thing that goes on in a restaurant

2009-06-02T22:24:00.004-04:00

Total pet peeve: this morning I got on the bus with a cup of coffee and the (male) bus driver was all "oh, did you bring me coffee?" Fuck that shit. Being eight in the morning and all I could only cock my eyebrow, but oh, that I could summon my inner Clair Huxtable at will:

if I could manifest even a fraction of her sass I could die happy.

welcome home

2009-06-01T14:20:00.003-04:00

everything is juuuust where you left it

no really...shut up

2009-05-27T18:51:00.006-04:00

just the two of us

2009-05-27T00:00:00.007-04:00

My tiny tiny ,miniature, little, tinsy, itsy bitsy baby brother made me aware that you sweet readers might have a terrible disease ..and don't realize that there are 2 of us here at shut up ocean.

yours truly: friends forever

.......and the glorious, lovely and talented Crystal Lil

although our minds are bound in stone with the help of the Internet...we live life in different bodies and in differed cities... you can only hope you run into one of us on the bus.... but back the fuck up if you see us together...our shit is too magical for you. sorry

secrets of love and marriage

2009-05-26T17:49:00.002-04:00

beautiful trannys should never marry men who wear sweaty shirts and suspenders. duh.

i found this comic in an antique store for $1...but i'm an asshole so i didn't buy it... now i regret it...i'll never know how she set herself free.....

vacation

2009-05-25T20:26:00.002-04:00

i just got back from another road trip... i have a LOT of things to tell you about... let's start with this.... more to come..

oh yeah here's how to make something useful out of a baby

2009-05-22T05:47:00.001-04:00

because babies need to get a fucking job

what is life

2009-05-22T05:39:00.002-04:00

earlier this evening I ate a hallucinogenic drug and was at this person's house going through (?) their cupboard (it was the sensible thing to do at the time) and found a jar of honey labeled "WOLF HONEY"...how is this possible? I'll tell you: it was the name of the person who harvested the honey from his bees. I also found a box of blood meal, which we were JUST talking about (in another life). I guess bees eat blood? I learned a lot today.

attempted dog date rape

2009-05-20T01:35:00.002-04:00

it could happen to anyone. even if you wear classy necklaces.

2009-05-19T01:16:00.004-04:00

i googled "women who went years without speaking" because i have been thinking about making some changes in my life..

talking out loud seemed like the first logical thing to quit cold turkey.

i was hoping for some inspiration... but the first thing that came up was some shit about Dracula.... i am taking this as a cosmic sign... given to me as a paranormal gift from the internet... i will heed it's banshee cries and start drinking sexy boys blood a.s.a.p.

this summer is going to be awesome.

first ever human brain transplant

2009-05-19T00:01:00.008-04:00

please take mine and put it in the compost pile...

that way i can quit haunting this bullshit..

i don't even know where to start....

2009-05-15T20:09:00.013-04:00

i am currently on a road trip in the very top of a state no one cares about.... i am having a lovely time..mostly... here is an example of the type of joke people find funny in a town who's population is 611 people... do i even have to comment on this? no. i think you know what i would say.
ok now for some good news... there is a tiny weird grocery store here..THAT HAS A COOKIE STATION! you heard me right little piggies..your own personal cookie station . here is how you get thrilled: you get a bag and then you fill it up with any combination of cookies that your tiny shrivelled heart desires....then you eat all of them! there are 20 cookies to choose from..go wild bitch! i was caught snapping this picture by a elderly local man who proceeded to mock me and laugh... he clearly has cookie issues.
ok, now we are getting to the part i really wanted to talk about... my panic attack. yes! vacation totally rulzzzz. i went for a hike to see some sea caves...sounds cool right..well it was...but here's the catch. i am totally afraid of what i call "intangible space" this usually involves heights... so the hike is in the woods was basically like walking along a prickly path to deaths door... but i did great!
this sign was there to tell you how not to die...but i was totally fine.. i was so proud of myself!!! surprisingly...no panic in sight...wanna know what caused my panic attack : NPR mutha' fucker. N P f-ing R.

i was listening to it a day ago and heard that it's tick season...and than i learned about all of the super shitty diseases that ticks be rollin' with..and then i got one hundred thousand billion million ticks on me.... and i freaked the fuck out. full-on panic mode... do you know what ticks do? as a public service i will tell you: they silently crawl on you and bury their ugly fucking faces into your flesh and then they enjoy a "blood meal' (npr's term).... they replace your perfect and beautiful blood with evil and destruction..then you have Lyme's disease and Rocky mountain spotted fever and extreme jerk tick problems!

so i hyperventilated and now (5 hours later) i still feel them crawling on me. great.

now i hate NPR forever and ever amen. the end.

some other options for the perfect look..........

2009-05-12T21:22:00.004-04:00

is this the look you are going for?

2009-05-12T19:39:00.001-04:00

This is always, always, always the look I am going for.

products to help you make yourself more useful

2009-05-12T14:33:00.000-04:00

bottle opener shoes

oh, i forgot to mention....

2009-05-12T00:22:00.005-04:00

instead i ate half a "personal pan watermelon".....

all by myself...

this is not the first time.

i love watermelon.

alot

it would be nice of me to share... but i won't

because i'm a dick.

my tongue has changed its mind. BORIIING

2009-05-11T23:03:00.006-04:00

i guess i hate papaya now? i'm not sure what changed... but i just tried to eat a slice and it LITERALLY tasted like actual human vomit .... so i decided to tell you..because that's what blogs are for... has this ever happened to anyone else? fuck a papaya.

it's my half birthday.i want to talk about it

2009-05-08T00:17:00.011-04:00

ok....yesterday was my half birthday...an event i have celebrated for as long as i can remember..i LOVE my half birthday so so so much and i will tell you why...

the pressure of my actual birthday has always been too much for me to take...i have been known to bug out.... i think i will post more on this later to illustrate what a total freak i am...but for now let's talk about the joy and wonder that is the half birthday.

it's all the fun none of the pressure..and if you can con your friends and loved ones into celebrating it's the jam of all jams! here is how my day went:

i called my parents (like i do every year)to remind them that today is the big (well..medium i guess) day... my conversation with my mom went like this

Mom: hello?

me: IT'S MY HALF BIRTHDAY MOM.. DID YOU FORGET?

Mom: who is this? can't you say hello?

me: no

Mom: well happy half birthday birthday! the reason i forgot it was your half birthday is because i am too busy remembering that EVERY DAY is your little brothers birthday.

please note this picture of the calendar at my folks house... my brother drove an hour to their house when they weren't home and wrote "mike's birthday" on every single fucking day of the year-except my birthday-thanks brooother.

so.. then i went to a espionage themed secret restaurant with a password ..a concealed entrance in a bookcase...a magician bartender..a piece of the Berlin wall...mysterious pay phones that doubled as secret passageways..and weirdly..they had this picture of me and crystal lil..how did they get that? this was taken before we were smart enough to know where to buy shirts....those were the days
.but here is the craziest part of this wild dining establishment THEY HAD CRINKLE CUT FRENCH FRIES! excuse me?

ok, this day only gets better.. i moseyed along to a completely unchanged 60's nightcap lounge where my waitress was about 75 (no joke) and totally named somthing like Shirley Ann but they probably call her Skipper... the decor was plastic poinsettia heavy.. and there are no windows in the joint..so no matter what time of day you go in..you feel like it is the witching hour! the booths are vinyl minty green and there are red holiday lights EVERYWHERE but that's the best part because everyone knows red lighting makes a lady look her foxiest...

Doesn't this photo look all christmasy and shit well IT WAS TAKEN YESTERDAY! god i lovvvvvvved it! and did i mention all the drinks were craaaazy.

peep this alcoholic milkshake i got indulgent with... what? that cookie is beckoning me..it whispers yes...yes
the bathroom had a pull up bar.you know..for those times when you sit down to pee and you realize you have had 1 too many 40 oz. mai tai's and there is no one in sight to pull your drunk ass out of the mess that is your life!

man... can i just say i wish every day was my half birthady.

square america is the best website out of all the other websites

2009-05-07T18:15:00.001-04:00

If I could marry a website this would probably be it.

recent food

2009-05-06T19:15:00.002-04:00

Irish sage soda bread
Agedashi tofu
Blueberry pancakes

recipes coming soon

it's a delicious cocktail

2009-05-06T18:39:00.001-04:00

with a Meyer lemon garnish. What is it called?

i hate to break it to you ..but you are NOT native american

2009-05-06T17:33:00.011-04:00

i'm going to get real bossy right now:

let me start by saying this- i like wearing feathers in my hair as much as the next gal.... but i am getting really riled up lately by whity white pants dressing up like natives for super cool fashion reasons...and making paintings that are about totem poles and eagle magic.... and again- i say this with a love of eagle magic..but it's not mine... i can't flex it...cuz i'm white.
don't you think natives have had it bad enough ...having your land stolen.. being lied to ..stripping your cultural and religious identity...forcing foods on you that give your entire race incurable diseases... murder... rape and the fucking list goes on.... now you are fetishising them and making moccasins, beads and headdresses your latest "get funky get drunky" outfit. i will call it the "neon native" .... and i will cut your face
i really understand the intrigue and curiosity these ass wipes have with native culture.. i would go so far to say that i share it...but i think shit like this is super duper totally nasty....

didn't anyone ever tell you playing cowboys and indians is RUDE.... especially with weird underpants on
there's a way to give a "what what" to native culture...like getting a dream catcher tattoo in a place where your bathing suit covers...

or going to a pow wow and supporting natives by buying the cool stuff that they make

.....and then there is a way to barf it up roll in it and set it on fire.... cut it out dudes...i have mace and i don't care if you have always wanted to fuck pocahontas!

crystal lil-meet me here

2009-05-06T00:18:00.001-04:00

sweet dreams

2009-05-04T03:20:00.002-04:00

you are NOT the boss of me

2009-05-03T23:58:00.006-04:00

my mom's cute huh?
Did you know that your parents most likely use the Internet? well it's true..and it's TERRIFYING! i'm just here to warn you that your mom has a facebook account and your dad googles stuff. i know this because it happened to ME!

i spoke to my mom the other day and she was like "are you on face book? are you my friend?" WHAT? no i'm not on facebook and NO we arn't friends....i'm your daughter dude.

ok, but here is the truth ...i was on that god forsaken web sight for a total of 20 seconds until i got a friend request from my weird uncle claig (name mildly changed for security purposes) (ok fine! his name is uncle craig..whatever) and i was so confused that i quit immediately.

now i'm all weird and shit because even though i am a grown woman old enough to have grey hair and a impending sense of doom ...i can't deal with the idea of my folks using the Internet and looking at me and shit.. so......

this post is basically like writing in the beginning of your journal: "IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU BETTER STOP CUZ I"M GUNNA KNOW AND THEN I WILL HATE YOU MORE THAN I DID BEFORE" this is all thanks to my sweet little brother (hi broothar) who reminded me that it's not ok for your family to know that you have ever given (or thought about giving) a hand job of any kind.

EDIT: i tried to post the original version of this song but the internet wouldn't let me..so i guess that means that the internet is the boss of me

the exorcist made delicious

2009-04-30T22:26:00.011-04:00

here is a very quick vegetarian dish that gives me special spring feelings.

ummm. i'm going to call it "lunch date with Linda Blair" or....

"springy pea dumplin' time

here is what you do:

1. get some won ton wrappers at the store.. (one package)

2.pick up some fresh shelled peas or frozen ones... if you have to be like that (2 -ish cups)

3. then get a lemon (1), some plain yogurt or ricotta if your sassy(1/2 cup), an onion or a couple of shallots if you think you are better than everyone(which you probably are)

4. you can put some yummy hard cheese in there too... like Parmesan or asiago-but don't let me pressure you..it's not necessary

*put peas in boiling water for about 3 minutes if frozen or 1 min if fresh- you want to pull them off as soon as they get bright green(they should be just cooked) and then immediately run under cold water to stop the cooking DO NOT OVER COOK THESE LIL' PEAS -you will regret it almost as much as the time you let that kid with hygiene issues feel you up in the back of the bus...

*meanwhile-cut up your onion or high-class shallot and saute it until caramelized..if you don't know what that means..there is NOTHING i can do for you.. you should look into a career as a beach cartoonist or something. note:i make fun..but that is actually my dream job..that ...or hooker.

*mash up your peas... not too smooth -leave a few lumpy

*add ricotta or yogurt

*zest that lemon and stick it in there...

*salt and pepper it

*put cheese in it ( i don't because i like to be difficult)

ok..now make into won tons...here is a picture to help...

put a dollop(not too much) i use the guess and check method ) in the middle . sprinkle onion on top and fold. if you get all greedy and put too much in here you will fail..at life.

don't over do it man...it will bust the seams and you will have low self worth for days. resist!

you can wing the folding it if you have small motor skills problems..but if i had my way i would force you to do it like this(this is my version of fascism..there is more where that came from)

*wet 2 sides along the edge of the wrapper

*fold into a triangle

*wet the tippy top of the triangle and fold remaining 2 sides towards this wet and ready peak.

ok, that's it... form an assembly line and fold all these bitches up.....

i like to make 1 surprise dumpling per batch- this entails tucking something unexpected in the wrapper..say -a dead bug or a bottle cap.... i like to keep my guests guessing....mwwwaahahaha

now you can cook them. you have 2 choices. fry. steam.

fry(ummmm indulgent) heat 1/4 of an inch olive oil in a skillet and put your dumplins' on in there, fry one side until brown and flip it over to do the same on the other side. it's like sun tanning only more Delicious.

steam: oil up a steaming device of your choice...bamboo, metal whateva' . and steam them for like 4 minutes... you want the wrappers to be translucent-so just put down your pack of camel lights and watch them....

look at that lil' cooker.. you made dumplings! your happy as a cat!

i like to dip them in sauces of all kinds... wasabi, tzatziki,sweet chili.. go wild. you deserve it!

dunno about you, but this here is how I make a pie

2009-04-29T19:26:00.013-04:00

We need to talk about food starting now. We are closing in on pie season, and you need to be ready. Here's what you need to make a killer pie crust and feel superior to everyone:
3 cups of flour
1 cup vegetable shortening (some people insist that the only way to make pie crust is with real butter, but those people are wrong. The ugly truth is that the best pie crust is made from Butter Flavor Crisco and the sooner you accept this, the healthier it will be for our friendship. Think of it this way...at least it's vegan.)
1/2 teaspoon salt
pinch of baking powder (it helps keep things real flaky)
6 or 7 tablespoons ice water.

Sift all your dry ingredients together into a big bowl. Also don't look at my diet coke.

Dump your shortening in there and cut it with the pastry cutter, or if you don't have one, two knives. Here's where people sometimes get frustrated. What you're trying to do is mix the flour and shortening together without melting the fat or actually blending them together, you just want it equally distributed. You want it to look like tiny crumbs. You are also probably going to have to get your hands in there and sort of blend it together lightly, without mushing it. Don't touch the shortening long enough to melt it with your body heat (sexy). Oh yeah wash your hands before you make pie, grossy.
It should look like this.

Get your ice water:

and sprinkle it over the mess you just made one tablespoon at a time. Stir it in with a fork in a really gentle way that's more like fluffing, because remember that your dough is really senstive and you should never mush it. Keep adding water until you have a dough that holds together in a chunk. It should take about seven tablespoons, but too much is better than not enough. And it has to be really cold, because you're trying not to melt the shortening at all if you can help it. Our goal here is light, flaky and delicious.

Remember how I said you can never mash your dough together? I lied. I'm a complicated person. Mash your dough (gently) into two little cakes, one (the bottom one) a little bigger than the other-

Oh yeah, this recipe is for a two crust pie. If you only need one crust....use half the recipe, genius.

Wrap these little shits in wax paper, then plastic wrap, and put them in the fridge.

I used to do this for a couple hours, then I discovered that leaving them in overnight is even better. Then I read that you should maybe leave them in there for three days. Crazy! Something about the acids breaking down, blah blah cocktail hour.
Once you're ready to get serious, take one lump of dough at a time and put it between two sheets of floured wax paper. This is a controversial move, but I think it results in a lot less grief and domestic violence when all is said and done. You wanna roll (oh you have a rolling pin, right? Use an empty wine bottle I guess) outwards from the center in one direction only, carrying out the ideal of "not mashing" in theory, if not practice, as much as possible.
Here's where you realize I'm a genius: transfer your crust into the pie pan by peeling off the top layer of wax paper, and turning the bottom layer upside down into your pan, and peeling that one off. Be careful. You can use extra bits of dough to patch up any tears that happen, chances are nobody will ever know. And if someone says something....x them from your friend list. Trim off the excess and kind of fold under or over the edge like you're making a hem, and do something nice to it like crimp it with your thumbs all the way around the edge.

Just don't do that thing where you mash it with a fork. You're just sabotaging yourself.

Oh yeah, then put something in your pie. Whatever you want. It's not my business.
You roll out your top crust just like the bottom one. Then you can cut it into lattice strips, cut out shapes with a cookie cutter, or just dump the whole thing on top and join it to the bottom crust by trimming and tucking in the edge and pressing into the bottom edge with your thumb. Then you cut slits in it with a real sharp knife so steam can escape and your pie doesn't explode. Some people like to brush egg whites on the top crust as a glaze so it's extra brown and glossy, but I think those people are just trying to prove something.
What other bossy things do I have to say about pie? Oh, lots. Here's a few:
1. Glass pie plates are best.
2. If you have a really juicy filling, why don't you prick the bottom crust with a fork a few times.
3. Putting kittens in your pie crust - adorable.
4. Pie is better than cake.
5. As an indirect method of saying "I'm sorry", pie has a success rate comparable to blow jobs in various clinical trials.

good to know

2009-04-28T17:22:00.000-04:00

sexxx dreams part 1 ..or..doin' "it" with a loser

2009-04-26T19:06:00.009-04:00

I have some secrets to admit... these are dirty secrets...which we all know are the best kind..... i'm going to just jump right in and tell you....

i had a sex dream about Brandon from 90210. yep. i did.

let me paint the picture...

there i was... decked out in train conductor overalls with 1 strap down -ala blossom or kris kross if you're nasty- i had on chili red matte lipstick.. liquid eyeliner and frosty pink eyeshadow. i was basically Emily Valentine...but with WAY better hair and a less winy, shitty way of talking... oh-and i didn't have that type of long chin-centric hooker face that she has....ok, i wasn't really Emily Valentine at all.... but i was totally into lighting fires and "fucking shit up"...

ok, back to it....Brandon asks me to take a ride in his car... i get in the car and in the back seat i find like-maybe 30 pairs of women's shoes..but really embarrassing styles, like aqua socks and platform flip flops and those tall clear stripper heels that only look good on tranny's ...i ask him where they came from and he pulls me close and puts his fingers to my lips and says "shut your mouth or i'll do it for you" (hot right?..ok, maybe it's just me...WAIT it is just me ..this is my dream...shit.) anyway,

i'll spare you the nasty bits...but we hump... but he sucks at it...and i wake up right as i yell "THIS IS NO WAY TO PARTY"

now, ....there are a LOT of things wrong with this dream....i won't even get into it..what i will ask you is this: why the hell did i dream about boning Brandon when in my waking life i would much rather hot tongue Dylan?

as fellow 90210 loving blogger goody proctor ( www.regularcarpetride.blogspot.com ) pointed out on my last 90210 post "Brandon always walks like he has very recently been butt-fucked"

'nuff said

thank you for being a friend or... "will you Bea mine"

2009-04-26T11:58:00.013-04:00

Yesterday the world lost a true friend.... the tallest woman on earth....Bea Arthur

i'm going to tell you a deep secret...there is just something about a large stature woman with a husky voice that makes me go kinda lesbo. who the shit do you know that rocks shoulder pads better than Bea... NO ONE.. that's who.

i imagine the perfect day where Bea and i go thrifting in a small town ripe with sweaters and blouses... each one we try on (together in the dressing room) fits better than the next.... we are on top of the world... drunk on fashion we stumble outside and get into her electric blue Mazda miata (convertible of course) and take off....with the wind blowing through our short but still feminine haircuts we drive moderately fast.. but not fast enough to get a speeding ticket (Bea was a reasonable woman)...
after some time cruising (90% of which i spend looking at my own reflection in the passenger side mirror) .... we arrive at our destination... her house.. she takes me inside and leads me into her boudoir... once inside this magical room... she allows me to try on her brooches.. but not all of them.. only the ones she doesn't like that much.... electricity runs through me... i want to stay right here... with her... forever... this perfect day ends in a mildly erotic- yet fully clothed spooning session....
Bea Arthur will be missed dearly. she was a inspirational, classy woman that knew how to shake what her mama gave her..always playing up her best traits and never leaving the house frumpy....like fine wine- she became more beautiful and complex with age... us ladies can only hope to leave this earth with as much style and sophistication as Bea.
p.s Bea if you can hear me...i'm willing to fulfill my fantasies with your ghost. call me.

who's your daddy?

2009-04-23T21:44:00.003-04:00

i am.

now...expect us to bombard you with recipes in the near near future.... (some of which will involve being spanked in an underground sewer utopia while eating the pie we will describe to you in life-like detail) oh shiiiit! just you wait!

relaxin' all cool

2009-04-23T19:14:00.002-04:00

it's a conspiracy

2009-04-22T23:16:00.002-04:00

this just in... the earth is naaastay

2009-04-22T17:12:00.003-04:00

potato latkes anyone?

my isolation station or.. just a little better than wicked

2009-04-22T12:44:00.017-04:00

i walk around all day long saying shit that makes sense to no one but me... if you know me well you might be able to pick up some sort of information... that may or may-not be useful( in taking over the world).

this could include a number of weirdnsses such as: i ask you to pass me something...we are both looking at the item-let's say it's a sharp knife- and i say "can you hand me the laundry basket?" i know it's a sharp knife... and i know what i want to do with it...sexxxxxy but for some reason laundry basket comes out and i am too lazy and uninterested to correct my mouth..

this also applies to made up words... which i use for any and all circumstances -example- we are at the spring fling dance - you (dylan mckay) ask me to slow dance and i say "meep" do you know what that means? well buddy... you better figure it out...QUICK. or we are both hungry and you ask what we should have for dinner..again "meep".... so what are you gunna do now playa'???

then there is my constant reference to things that mean a lot to me..but sadly no one else... like- i'm at the grocery store and they don't have bok choy.. and i say "oh..the trouble with mimi" DO YOU GET THAT? no, i didn't think so...

or if we are hanging out and you can't find your keys right before we leave to go to the county fair and i say "bob, bob,we'll find your drugs bob, we'll find them" does that make sense to you? huh? does it?

so now i am rounding the bend to my long winded point... there are a few glimmering moments when a person will know what i'm beaking around about... or i will stumble upon a friend or stranger taking notice of an overlooked jem that i hold dear to my heart... when these moments occur i fell less like a rubber band and more like a living rubber band.

the moral of this story is: mr. wineburger, dawn davenport is eating a meatball sandwich right out in class....... y'all get me now...right????

update on my cool life

2009-04-21T18:03:00.003-04:00

I'm watching The Blue Lagoon on Hulu while I'm at work. Have you ever actually seen this movie? It's about these two kids who are too stupid to live. They have to rely on this terrifying pirate to tell them not to eat poison or get killed in various ways, and now he's all dead with a mouth full of crabs and I think they're going to die too every three seconds. I can't handle the stress.

teenage hopin' and wishin' and prayin'

2009-04-20T21:10:00.010-04:00

hey crystal lil... no more wishing... now you have a friend like bela lugosi....

"I guess I'm pretty much of a lone wolfI don't say I don't like people at all, but, to tell you the truth, I only like them if I have a chance to look deep into their hearts and their minds. "-b.l

"Death, the final, triumphant lover. "-b.l

juuuuust like bela lugosi...... just for you friend!

ED WOOD!!

2009-04-20T14:55:00.005-04:00

Is there a better movie on this earth??(NO)
When this movie came out I was a lonely 14 year old and I wished I had a friend like Bela Lugosi (teenagers are boring, which is infinitely more tragic when you are yourself one).
Now I am a grown woman and I wish I had a friend like Vampira. (Just kidding I am Vampira).
EDIT:seriously

now we can all just die

2009-04-20T14:29:00.007-04:00

which one of us will be the most beautiful woman in puppet land?

how could we be so foolish.... it's Miss Yvonne!!!!!!!! she deserves the crown because she isn't a homophobic asshole. way to go Miss Yvonne. "when you feel beautiful you are beautiful"

word my sista'

"We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage," Prejean said. "And you know what, I think in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that's how I was raised."- no offense my ass ms. california..i was raised to eat more than lipgloss for dinner and to not suck at life. ughhh. get a mustache and get real

come on feel the noise (the syndrome)

2009-04-20T11:56:00.019-04:00

it's no secret that i love loud noise... as a kid my dad would play me his favorite records and when his "jam" would come on he would turn it up really loud .. he was in a state of total joy... it was contagious..... really.

as a teenager i only liked bands that had loud loud sounds and singers with loud loud mouths... my family would tease me by constantly yelling the chorus to one of my morning wake up songs ( i would play it at 7 am to get me pumped for school) it went like this: I WAAANT TO KILLLL YOU....CUT YOU UP ...GOUGE OUT YEEER EYYYYES" i was awarded a pair of headphones soon after this became a daily routine...

i also remember so distinctly.. the moment i put on one of my favorite records for the first time.... the song starts off with an intense loud drum extravaganza... it literally felt like the drums were kicking right to my heart meat.

so this "love of loud" has been a constant force in my life .... and it doesn't apply to just music.... i currently reside in a place full of loud sounds... at any given moment 5 car alarms will be blaring, trucks with outside speakers boasting mariachi music, dudes getting in arguments in languages i don't understand while babies are crying and horns are honking... and i love it.. i guess "alive" the best way to describe the way i feel when i am in the middle of noise. i have an emotional connection to (what i like to call) "passionate sound"

i have been known to get misty eyed when a particularly insane loudness occurs... it makes my mind feels so real....

so..here is what i know considering all of this information i just gave you.... I MIGHT BE AUTISTIC... ok, maybe not. but i kinda wish i had this syndrome i just read about (or maybe i already do!)

... here is what the internet told me about EXPLODING HEAD SYNDROME!!!!!

Exploding head syndrome is a rare condition that causes the sufferer to occasionally experience a tremendously loud noise as if from within his or her own head, usually described as an explosion or a roar.

Usually, it’s described as a loud bang, a clash of cymbals or a bomb exploding. The problem is, most of the patients can’t even realize they have exploding head syndrome and won’t go to doctor.

color me jealous

how i relate to humans part 2. the dog edition

2009-04-18T21:33:00.004-04:00

*me: "you know what i would like to do?"

*friend: "what?"

*me: "i would like to take that dog..... accuse him of crimes..... put him on trial....find him guilty in a court of law ... then send him to the guillotine. that's what i would like to do"

* friend (to the dog in question) "don't be alarmed by the darkness of her mind"

**just to be clear to the readers that don't know me... i actually love animals WAY more than i love humans ..and would only send a dog to trial that really deserved it...i'm just sayin'