if you have any sense at all you will read the comments on our posts on this blog ...because i just did and they are fucking ridiculous ... someone get us both a lobotomy immediately

everything is everything is nothing so shut up

i have been laying in bed a lot lately...for a lot of different reasons...some sweet some sad but a lot because i've been sick for almost 2 months.

i woke up this morning and realized that i have just been a shell of myself.... so useless and energy-less... i feel like i have a layer of ice and feathers and rocks and marshmallows covering my brain and body...i am starting to get freaked

a lot of things have been happening fast around me but i have yet to catch up...because i spend most of my time blowing my nose! How can you climb a tree , do witchcraft, bake someone you love a pie, write a letter, read a book, go on an adventure, plant a garden, tame a wild cat, visit your mother or be interesting at all when you feel like your blood is poison?

YOU CAN'T.

this is why i am trying to hatch a plan to get well now ..like today..like RIGHT NOW.. because i have so much to do. I have to fall in love with the living world again...and i need to do it NOW! i came up with something in my sleep that involves a fist full of money, a midnight airplane ride and a bowl of figs and honey... aaaand a night time walk over the best bridge my eyes have ever known...i think it might work!

when i walked outside the other morning the sweetest someone said to me "do you smell that? it smells like spring" i couldn't...i couldn't breathe...and spring is my favorite time to be alive... i want to smell the air and hold hands and pick flowers from other peoples yard (but just 1..i'm not a glutton you jerk), i want to clean my fucking house and then i want to eat a carrot and listen to one hundred records... i want all the good things in the whole world but i especially want to wake up feeling real in my bones...crossing all fingers. wish me luck

what i did when you weren't looking

i lost it all and watched it go

I'm here to help

My friend Tim showed me this, and now I am showing you, Friends Forever, so that you can learn a thing or two about the terrible and embarrassing habit you are trying to develop.

2009 was our year

if you are just stumbling on this blog might i suggest (or force) you to skip this bullshit from 2010 and get right to the sweet sweet love of 2009... for real dude... 2010 was the year of snake pit mind traps and the electric boogaloo performed by geriatric coke fiends... bad news...





I specialize in creepin' toooo!!!!!!!!!!

internet porn for the modern lady

hello and hi

do you know what's crazy?
EVERYTHING! seriously.. this is true. i decided a month ago that it was the first day of the rest of my life.. and it was really awesome.. i felt all blah blah blah...

then i found a four leaf clover (that i subsequently decided to press and then forgot where i put it..so now i cant even use it's precious powers ) whatever. i started carrying a chunk of labradorite in my pocket and listening to a whole shit load of soul music...

now... i am obviously a fucking weirdo (see previous 1 million posts) but i'm the kind of weirdo who is aware of what a i am ..and laughs at myself for using "animal spirit medicine cards" to read my future, or putting pennies in my shoe... but with this whole rest of my life bullshit kick i'm on.. i am spending a lot of time rolling my eyes at myself when i feel like putting quartz crystals in my drinking water... whatever gets you through i guess...

it's been a weird time in my life...the last few years have brought about a lot of crazy changes good and bad.. but i have spent enough time living in those moments and am ready to move on to the next thing... and i needed to kick myself in the face a little bit to get the ball rolling... hence my crazy ass idea to start a new day... so far it's been pretty awesome... except the part where i got a full face tattoo... oh well... you can't win em' all

glass vampire planet ...the epic story

there is a woman that i know from my workplace that i adore.

she is lovely, kind and creative fist and schizophrenic second... even in her delusions she is sweet and intuitive and careful and full of some kind of understanding that you don't find in many people. She knits and sews and makes jewelry..

she believes she is part pterodactyl with long horn teeth. she is part human and part rat with gills. she took a lie detector test and found out she is 67 years old. she hides on land that is off the grid to keep her safe until she can catch the snake that has been tormenting her. she does hard work feeding large animals to larger animals....

the first time i met her i had just moved home from somewhere far away... i was happy to be home but longing for everything i had left too... it was my second day back when she came in to my shop. she looked me in the eye and said " do you ever grow bigger than your space? have you ever been driven out by how big you have become? sometimes you need to go where you can get your next set of teeth. that's how you know you are growing. and we are growing...you are growing"

she went on to explain how fucking hard and painful and weird it is to grow out of the space you have grown accustom to being in. she explained how even if it is super shitty and it leaves you outside 90% of the time you have to do it. i think about it all the time. i had to do it too... her version of this is so much different than mine... hard and scary in different ways...

i later found out from her family that around the time she said this to me ..she had left the shelter she was living in...and went back to the streets...
in days and weeks after that conversation she would come in and tell me how things were hard... but she was making it through... she told me she was just moving on to the next step... she also went through a break up and told me how she went from the warmth of being on the inside of knowing someone to the coldest rattle in her chest... she had so many things going on in her world ...but she always had this sense of understanding that it wouldn't stay that way forever....

to be continued......

can you freeze cheese

i have spent the last few days having really bad times on the phone. i keep having awkward conversations and hanging up with a bad taste in my mouth. i really and truly hate the phone but for some reason i am finding myself on it soooo soooo soooo much. can't i just see you and tell you all of the things i have to say? i have so many facial gestures that you are missing when the phone is involved. and forget it if someone is in a bad mood and you are talking to them on "the devils tin can" everything gets fucked and you might as well go bob for razor blades. i quit. write me a letter. come over. or send someone with a telegram... i wish it was easier to say words into a machine.

what to do if you think you are loosing your mind

1. spend all your babysitting money on fancy booze ... then never open the bottles.. just look at them and wish you had the will to drink more

2. sit on a tiny stool (and by tiny i mean child size) in your kitchen to eat dinner..or really to do anything at all... read a book, bake cookies, devise evil plans of various sorts ... everything looks different when you are sitting on a tiny stool in the kitchen..even the inside of your own mind

3. sleep with your head a the foot of your bed.. htis tricks your sleeping brain into believing that while you slept.. you turned into someone else..so when you wake up you might be able to live a different life...yessssss!

4. never go home right after work... walk the streets aimlesslly, start making friends with the homeless lady that seemes to have a psychic connection with you and hang out with her... you will learn SO many things about growing multiple sets of teeth.. sewing up your gills so mean girls wont know you are a giant rat with gills and vampire teeth... and how to feed large animals to larger animals... this will calm you immensely in times of strife

5. walk 200 miles a day..quicky... so quickly that no one could ever catch up with you..even if you set out on said walk with soemone..it will remind you that we all travel alone...ALONE BITCHES!

6. post totally bonkers really depressing shit on the blog that you have been neglecting... that way all the people in NORWAY who google somthing weird to find your blog will know whats really up with americans...thy all want to eat a tiny sandwich that simulates a lobotomy !!!!!!

ohhhhhh shiiiiiit

I am having a terrible time

this is what the inside of my own mind looks like...it's not pretty folks.. it's just not pretty

Horrible Bats!!!!!!!!!!

it's almost Halloween and today i went to a pumpkin patch...this is my favorite thing to do in life..i will tell you why...

Halloween is the only time of year where no one looks at you weird when you talk about how haunted your mind is... they think you are being "seasonal" or something...ha! little do they know i am totally fucking bonkers!!!!!!

Picking out my perfect pumpkin meshes my aesthetic obsessions with some real talk o.c.d.... the possibilities are endless.. you can wander around in a daze comparing and contrasting shape texture size color etc... and you get filthy ...so you need to wash your hands a billion times ..jack pot!!!!

so this pumpkin patch i went to had: emus, a lama, rams, goats chickens turkeys rabbits and a whole bunch of other stinky and sweet farm animals..including this nice cow named "drinky"! (click photo to enlarge)

i was in heaven! i bought a emu egg for $5 which i considered quite the bargain.... but the thing that really impressed me was these horrible bats.... H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E!

apparently this was inspirational to others because later i was told by a loved one (and i quote) "you have a bonfire behind both eyes and horrible bats in the attic" thanks jerk!

blog neglect makes the baby jesus cry

Crystal Lil and I are total human jerks! we never put out the nice dishes for company..we swear..she smokes...we see hookers on the regular.. and we NEVER EVER EVER blog anymore! well my little babies...that is all gunna change! i know i am always full of false promises...but!!!!! i am hoping to make good on this shit! yahhhhhhh! bog 'till i bleeeed! (but i am still not using any punctuation ...and fuck spell check! you can't get everything you want bitch!)

pretend he's the bad guy

discuss.

spank me Anthony Bourdain

have i ever mentioned to the internet how i want Anthony Bourdain to frazz the living hell out of me? Well i'm gunna tell you right now buster.... can we arrange a spanking please?
He HATES vegitarians so it might be a bit of a problem for me...but for real... i know i am among many many women who want to be brutally dominated by this silver haired fuck machiene... he is such a snarky bitch... i wanna piece y'all.

lifes little questions

here is one i have been pondering for a few days now:

is it a good idea to let you 62 year old bipolar mother go on a "road trip" by herself for 3 weeks in which she plans to quit smoking after 44 years and go on a gem hunting expedition? huh? is it?

She hasn't been camping in about 15 years... and she informed us that she feels kinda invincible right now... did i mention that she is 5 feet tall and weighs 105 pounds? needless to say i am losing my fucking mind.... the idea of her on a manic low wandering around in uncharted rocky terrain ...nic fitting ...and feeling alone on this planet is tooooo much. what the shit?

wednesday

you should have seen tuesday

I've been learning a lot about beauty lately

rumors confirmed:

EVERYTHING IS STUPID.... ON THIS EARTH

i am a lazy blog jerk

it is so hot and summery... i have been neglecting my blog duties.... but hold tight people of the blog world.... i have more asshole things to say.. but i have to go swimming first...