no really...shut up

just the two of us

My tiny tiny ,miniature, little, tinsy, itsy bitsy baby brother made me aware that you sweet readers might have a terrible disease ..and don't realize that there are 2 of us here at shut up ocean. 

 yours truly: friends forever 

.......and the glorious, lovely and talented Crystal Lil

although our minds are bound in stone with the help of the Internet...we live life in different bodies and in differed cities... you can only hope you run into one of us on the bus.... but back the fuck up if you see us together...our shit is  too magical for you. sorry

secrets of love and marriage

beautiful trannys should never marry men who wear sweaty shirts and suspenders. duh.

i found this comic in an antique store for $1...but i'm an asshole so i didn't buy it... now i regret it...i'll never know how she set herself free.....

vacation

i just got back from another road trip... i have a LOT of things to tell you about... let's start with this.... more to come..

oh yeah here's how to make something useful out of a baby

because babies need to get a fucking job

what is life

earlier this evening I ate a hallucinogenic drug and was at this person's house going through (?) their cupboard (it was the sensible thing to do at the time) and found a jar of honey labeled "WOLF HONEY"...how is this possible? I'll tell you: it was the name of the person who harvested the honey from his bees. I also found a box of blood meal, which we were JUST talking about (in another life). I guess bees eat blood? I learned a lot today.

attempted dog date rape

it could happen to anyone. even if you wear classy necklaces.

i googled "women who went years without speaking" because i have been thinking about making some changes in my life..

 talking out loud  seemed like the first logical thing to quit cold turkey.

 i was hoping for some inspiration... but the first thing that came up was some shit about Dracula.... i am taking this as a cosmic sign... given to me as a paranormal gift from the internet... i will heed it's banshee cries and start drinking sexy boys blood a.s.a.p. 

this summer is going to be awesome.

first ever human brain transplant

please take mine and put it in the compost pile... 

that way i can quit haunting this bullshit.. 

i don't even know where to start....

i am currently on a road trip in the very top of a state no one cares about.... i am having a lovely time..mostly...  here is an example of the type of joke people find funny in a town who's population is 611 people... do i even have to comment on this?  no.  i think you know what i would say.
ok now for some good news... there is a tiny weird grocery store here..THAT HAS A COOKIE STATION! you heard me right little piggies..your own personal cookie station . here is how you get thrilled: you get a bag and then you  fill it up with any combination  of cookies that your tiny shrivelled heart desires....then you eat all of them! there are 20 cookies to choose from..go wild bitch!   i was caught snapping this picture by a elderly local man who proceeded to mock me and laugh... he clearly has cookie issues.
ok, now we are getting to the part i really wanted to talk about... my panic attack.  yes!  vacation totally rulzzzz. i went for a hike to see some sea caves...sounds cool right..well it was...but here's the catch.  i am totally afraid of what i call "intangible space" this usually involves heights... so the hike is in the woods was  basically like walking along a prickly path to deaths door... but i did great! 
this sign was there to tell you how not to die...but i was totally fine.. i was so proud of myself!!!  surprisingly...no panic in sight...wanna know what caused my panic attack : NPR mutha' fucker.      N P f-ing R.

i was listening to it a day ago and heard that it's tick season...and than i learned about all of the super shitty diseases that ticks be rollin' with..and then i got one hundred thousand billion million ticks on me.... and i freaked the fuck out.  full-on panic mode... do you know what ticks do?  as a public service i will tell you: they silently crawl on you and bury their ugly fucking faces into your flesh and then they enjoy a "blood meal' (npr's term).... they replace your perfect and beautiful blood  with evil and destruction..then you have Lyme's disease and Rocky mountain spotted fever and extreme jerk tick  problems! 

 so i hyperventilated and now (5 hours later) i still feel them crawling on me. great.

 now i hate NPR forever and ever amen. the end.