pretend he's the bad guy

discuss.

spank me Anthony Bourdain

have i ever mentioned to the internet how i want Anthony Bourdain to frazz the living hell out of me? Well i'm gunna tell you right now buster.... can we arrange a spanking please?
He HATES vegitarians so it might be a bit of a problem for me...but for real... i know i am among many many women who want to be brutally dominated by this silver haired fuck machiene... he is such a snarky bitch... i wanna piece y'all.

lifes little questions

here is one i have been pondering for a few days now:

is it a good idea to let you 62 year old bipolar mother go on a "road trip" by herself for 3 weeks in which she plans to quit smoking after 44 years and go on a gem hunting expedition? huh? is it?

She hasn't been camping in about 15 years... and she informed us that she feels kinda invincible right now... did i mention that she is 5 feet tall and weighs 105 pounds? needless to say i am losing my fucking mind.... the idea of her on a manic low wandering around in uncharted rocky terrain ...nic fitting ...and feeling alone on this planet is tooooo much. what the shit?

wednesday

you should have seen tuesday

I've been learning a lot about beauty lately

rumors confirmed:

EVERYTHING IS STUPID.... ON THIS EARTH

i am a lazy blog jerk

it is so hot and summery... i have been neglecting my blog duties.... but hold tight people of the blog world.... i have more asshole things to say.. but i have to go swimming first...

the most haunted places I have ever been in my life, part 1!

Turns out I am a total baby when the temp reaches triple digits. Even though my only ordeal in life this week is to figure out who's going to the river with me and when we're going, I spend my nights thrashing around hot sheets and having crazy nightmares about an apartment I looked at over five years ago.

This place was upstairs from a vintage store and had some insane energy I can only describe as "mind-bending". Not only was it haunted, but the ghosts had mental illness. The second I walked in my brain felt like a videotape with a magnet stuck to it and I had a hard time looking at things. It was a mostly windowless labyrinthine apartment advertised as a one bedroom, even though it had seemingly endless cave-like black rooms branching off from too-low doorways that the tiny Eastern European woman showing the apartment wryly referred to as "extra rooms". One of them had nothing but grimy walls and a cracked yellow chair (oh yeah, there was half-busted furniture piled everywhere) and I couldn't even cross the doorway without feeling like I was going to throw up. Each room had a differently psychedelic patterned 70's carpet in just plain wrong colors.

I think there was a trapdoor in the bedroom floor but I might have imagined that. It was so dark in there anyway.

The worst was the bathroom, a long narrow yellow room that seemed like it was meant for another purpose, and the far wall had what I recall to be about three extra doors, each featuring at least four locks of the chain/deadbolt variety. I asked the woman where these doors went and she just looked at me, shook her head and said "no," then walked out of the room.

I've had so many dreams about this apartment that I might be remembering it as way freakier than it actually was, but it made me feel like I had been plopped into a Jodorowsky film against my will.

There is no way in hell I'd even spend the night in this place, let alone live there, and I can't imagine what kind of person ended up taking it. Did they say "yessir, this is exactly where I would like to live for three months before I finally lose my shit and slaughter a bunch of people at Ikea then the police bust in and find wall-sized collage diagrams of my broken mind," or "I need someplace to make furniture out dead bodies, this is perfect!"

I've been poring over the classifieds trying to see if this place ever becomes available again so I can go back and video the whole tour. I tried looking up the crime records online for the neighborhood to see if anything really went down there, but that sort of info isn't as available as you'd think. Sex offenders, yeah, mass murder not so much. I had a good talk with my friend Megan about this stuff recently and she said, "seriously, that is one of the few things you still really have to go to the library for."
UGH!! Will I finally have to pay my huge library fine?? That's what REALLY scares me!

it's 10 pm you guys

contents of my sewing box

A whole mess of vintage buttons too ugly to use that I kept because I liked the 1940's design of the cards they came attached
to.

5 skeins "moth-proof" mending yarn in assorted shades of gray.

About 50 sewing needles of various sizes still attached to cards.

About 50 more sewing needles floating around loose on the bottom of the box.

Several dozen vintage cardboard bobbins of various sizes, none of which my machine takes, fully wound with silk thread of various colors.

One large tangled mass of trim items so individually hideous (lime green rickrack, purple lace, insipid floral appliques, red sequin strands, etc) that I have never found any adequate reason to untangle it.

One pair of orange-handled sewing scissors labeled "FABRIC ONLY!!!" to discourage household scissor-thieves.

One pair of identical scissors labeled "HAIRBRUSH" in order to otherwise confound same.

An aspirin tin with some nails and crumbs of weed in it.

Three small plastic animals (elk, ram, bull).

17 marbles

Several tools absent-mindedly pressed into my hands by my grandmother while cleaning out her own sewing box, which I have yet to determine the function of.

I tried to plug in my sewing machine earlier but couldn't find an appropriate extension cord.