what i did when you weren't looking

i lost it all and watched it go

I'm here to help

My friend Tim showed me this, and now I am showing you, Friends Forever, so that you can learn a thing or two about the terrible and embarrassing habit you are trying to develop.

2009 was our year

if you are just stumbling on this blog might i suggest (or force) you to skip this bullshit from 2010 and get right to the sweet sweet love of 2009... for real dude... 2010 was the year of snake pit mind traps and the electric boogaloo performed by geriatric coke fiends... bad news...





I specialize in creepin' toooo!!!!!!!!!!

internet porn for the modern lady

hello and hi

do you know what's crazy?
EVERYTHING! seriously.. this is true. i decided a month ago that it was the first day of the rest of my life.. and it was really awesome.. i felt all blah blah blah...

then i found a four leaf clover (that i subsequently decided to press and then forgot where i put it..so now i cant even use it's precious powers ) whatever. i started carrying a chunk of labradorite in my pocket and listening to a whole shit load of soul music...

now... i am obviously a fucking weirdo (see previous 1 million posts) but i'm the kind of weirdo who is aware of what a i am ..and laughs at myself for using "animal spirit medicine cards" to read my future, or putting pennies in my shoe... but with this whole rest of my life bullshit kick i'm on.. i am spending a lot of time rolling my eyes at myself when i feel like putting quartz crystals in my drinking water... whatever gets you through i guess...

it's been a weird time in my life...the last few years have brought about a lot of crazy changes good and bad.. but i have spent enough time living in those moments and am ready to move on to the next thing... and i needed to kick myself in the face a little bit to get the ball rolling... hence my crazy ass idea to start a new day... so far it's been pretty awesome... except the part where i got a full face tattoo... oh well... you can't win em' all

glass vampire planet ...the epic story

there is a woman that i know from my workplace that i adore.

she is lovely, kind and creative fist and schizophrenic second... even in her delusions she is sweet and intuitive and careful and full of some kind of understanding that you don't find in many people. She knits and sews and makes jewelry..

she believes she is part pterodactyl with long horn teeth. she is part human and part rat with gills. she took a lie detector test and found out she is 67 years old. she hides on land that is off the grid to keep her safe until she can catch the snake that has been tormenting her. she does hard work feeding large animals to larger animals....

the first time i met her i had just moved home from somewhere far away... i was happy to be home but longing for everything i had left too... it was my second day back when she came in to my shop. she looked me in the eye and said " do you ever grow bigger than your space? have you ever been driven out by how big you have become? sometimes you need to go where you can get your next set of teeth. that's how you know you are growing. and we are growing...you are growing"

she went on to explain how fucking hard and painful and weird it is to grow out of the space you have grown accustom to being in. she explained how even if it is super shitty and it leaves you outside 90% of the time you have to do it. i think about it all the time. i had to do it too... her version of this is so much different than mine... hard and scary in different ways...

i later found out from her family that around the time she said this to me ..she had left the shelter she was living in...and went back to the streets...
in days and weeks after that conversation she would come in and tell me how things were hard... but she was making it through... she told me she was just moving on to the next step... she also went through a break up and told me how she went from the warmth of being on the inside of knowing someone to the coldest rattle in her chest... she had so many things going on in her world ...but she always had this sense of understanding that it wouldn't stay that way forever....

to be continued......

can you freeze cheese

i have spent the last few days having really bad times on the phone. i keep having awkward conversations and hanging up with a bad taste in my mouth. i really and truly hate the phone but for some reason i am finding myself on it soooo soooo soooo much. can't i just see you and tell you all of the things i have to say? i have so many facial gestures that you are missing when the phone is involved. and forget it if someone is in a bad mood and you are talking to them on "the devils tin can" everything gets fucked and you might as well go bob for razor blades. i quit. write me a letter. come over. or send someone with a telegram... i wish it was easier to say words into a machine.

what to do if you think you are loosing your mind

1. spend all your babysitting money on fancy booze ... then never open the bottles.. just look at them and wish you had the will to drink more

2. sit on a tiny stool (and by tiny i mean child size) in your kitchen to eat dinner..or really to do anything at all... read a book, bake cookies, devise evil plans of various sorts ... everything looks different when you are sitting on a tiny stool in the kitchen..even the inside of your own mind

3. sleep with your head a the foot of your bed.. htis tricks your sleeping brain into believing that while you slept.. you turned into someone else..so when you wake up you might be able to live a different life...yessssss!

4. never go home right after work... walk the streets aimlesslly, start making friends with the homeless lady that seemes to have a psychic connection with you and hang out with her... you will learn SO many things about growing multiple sets of teeth.. sewing up your gills so mean girls wont know you are a giant rat with gills and vampire teeth... and how to feed large animals to larger animals... this will calm you immensely in times of strife

5. walk 200 miles a day..quicky... so quickly that no one could ever catch up with you..even if you set out on said walk with soemone..it will remind you that we all travel alone...ALONE BITCHES!

6. post totally bonkers really depressing shit on the blog that you have been neglecting... that way all the people in NORWAY who google somthing weird to find your blog will know whats really up with americans...thy all want to eat a tiny sandwich that simulates a lobotomy !!!!!!

ohhhhhh shiiiiiit

I am having a terrible time

this is what the inside of my own mind looks like...it's not pretty folks.. it's just not pretty