Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Horrible Bats!!!!!!!!!!

it's almost Halloween and today i went to a pumpkin patch...this is my favorite thing to do in life..i will tell you why...

Halloween is the only time of year where no one looks at you weird when you talk about how haunted your mind is... they think you are being "seasonal" or something...ha! little do they know i am totally fucking bonkers!!!!!!

Picking out my perfect pumpkin meshes my aesthetic obsessions with some real talk o.c.d.... the possibilities are endless.. you can wander around in a daze comparing and contrasting shape texture size color etc... and you get filthy ...so you need to wash your hands a billion times ..jack pot!!!!

so this pumpkin patch i went to had: emus, a lama, rams, goats chickens turkeys rabbits and a whole bunch of other stinky and sweet farm animals..including this nice cow named "drinky"! (click photo to enlarge)

i was in heaven! i bought a emu egg for $5 which i considered quite the bargain.... but the thing that really impressed me was these horrible bats.... H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E!

apparently this was inspirational to others because later i was told by a loved one (and i quote) "you have a bonfire behind both eyes and horrible bats in the attic" thanks jerk!

blog neglect makes the baby jesus cry

Crystal Lil and I are total human jerks! we never put out the nice dishes for company..we swear..she smokes...we see hookers on the regular.. and we NEVER EVER EVER blog anymore! well my little babies...that is all gunna change! i know i am always full of false promises...but!!!!! i am hoping to make good on this shit! yahhhhhhh! bog 'till i bleeeed! (but i am still not using any punctuation ...and fuck spell check! you can't get everything you want bitch!)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

spank me Anthony Bourdain

have i ever mentioned to the internet how i want Anthony Bourdain to frazz the living hell out of me? Well i'm gunna tell you right now buster.... can we arrange a spanking please?
He HATES vegitarians so it might be a bit of a problem for me...but for real... i know i am among many many women who want to be brutally dominated by this silver haired fuck machiene... he is such a snarky bitch... i wanna piece y'all.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

lifes little questions

here is one i have been pondering for a few days now:

is it a good idea to let you 62 year old bipolar mother go on a "road trip" by herself for 3 weeks in which she plans to quit smoking after 44 years and go on a gem hunting expedition? huh? is it?

She hasn't been camping in about 15 years... and she informed us that she feels kinda invincible right now... did i mention that she is 5 feet tall and weighs 105 pounds? needless to say i am losing my fucking mind.... the idea of her on a manic low wandering around in uncharted rocky terrain ...nic fitting ...and feeling alone on this planet is tooooo much. what the shit?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


you should have seen tuesday

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

rumors confirmed:


Friday, July 31, 2009

i am a lazy blog jerk

it is so hot and summery... i have been neglecting my blog duties.... but hold tight people of the blog world.... i have more asshole things to say.. but i have to go swimming first...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

the most haunted places I have ever been in my life, part 1!

Turns out I am a total baby when the temp reaches triple digits. Even though my only ordeal in life this week is to figure out who's going to the river with me and when we're going, I spend my nights thrashing around hot sheets and having crazy nightmares about an apartment I looked at over five years ago.

This place was upstairs from a vintage store and had some insane energy I can only describe as "mind-bending". Not only was it haunted, but the ghosts had mental illness. The second I walked in my brain felt like a videotape with a magnet stuck to it and I had a hard time looking at things. It was a mostly windowless labyrinthine apartment advertised as a one bedroom, even though it had seemingly endless cave-like black rooms branching off from too-low doorways that the tiny Eastern European woman showing the apartment wryly referred to as "extra rooms". One of them had nothing but grimy walls and a cracked yellow chair (oh yeah, there was half-busted furniture piled everywhere) and I couldn't even cross the doorway without feeling like I was going to throw up. Each room had a differently psychedelic patterned 70's carpet in just plain wrong colors.

I think there was a trapdoor in the bedroom floor but I might have imagined that. It was so dark in there anyway.

The worst was the bathroom, a long narrow yellow room that seemed like it was meant for another purpose, and the far wall had what I recall to be about three extra doors, each featuring at least four locks of the chain/deadbolt variety. I asked the woman where these doors went and she just looked at me, shook her head and said "no," then walked out of the room.

I've had so many dreams about this apartment that I might be remembering it as way freakier than it actually was, but it made me feel like I had been plopped into a Jodorowsky film against my will.

There is no way in hell I'd even spend the night in this place, let alone live there, and I can't imagine what kind of person ended up taking it. Did they say "yessir, this is exactly where I would like to live for three months before I finally lose my shit and slaughter a bunch of people at Ikea then the police bust in and find wall-sized collage diagrams of my broken mind," or "I need someplace to make furniture out dead bodies, this is perfect!"

I've been poring over the classifieds trying to see if this place ever becomes available again so I can go back and video the whole tour. I tried looking up the crime records online for the neighborhood to see if anything really went down there, but that sort of info isn't as available as you'd think. Sex offenders, yeah, mass murder not so much. I had a good talk with my friend Megan about this stuff recently and she said, "seriously, that is one of the few things you still really have to go to the library for."
UGH!! Will I finally have to pay my huge library fine?? That's what REALLY scares me!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

contents of my sewing box

A whole mess of vintage buttons too ugly to use that I kept because I liked the 1940's design of the cards they came attached

5 skeins "moth-proof" mending yarn in assorted shades of gray.

About 50 sewing needles of various sizes still attached to cards.

About 50 more sewing needles floating around loose on the bottom of the box.

Several dozen vintage cardboard bobbins of various sizes, none of which my machine takes, fully wound with silk thread of various colors.

One large tangled mass of trim items so individually hideous (lime green rickrack, purple lace, insipid floral appliques, red sequin strands, etc) that I have never found any adequate reason to untangle it.

One pair of orange-handled sewing scissors labeled "FABRIC ONLY!!!" to discourage household scissor-thieves.

One pair of identical scissors labeled "HAIRBRUSH" in order to otherwise confound same.

An aspirin tin with some nails and crumbs of weed in it.

Three small plastic animals (elk, ram, bull).

17 marbles

Several tools absent-mindedly pressed into my hands by my grandmother while cleaning out her own sewing box, which I have yet to determine the function of.

I tried to plug in my sewing machine earlier but couldn't find an appropriate extension cord.

dear summer, my brain is broken

Started re-reading The Infinite Jest with the vague intention of actually finishing it this time, figuring that 20 pages a day is totally doable in terms of getting to the end before "summer reading" time is totally over and I have to go inside permanently and read something more nourishing. (omg I HATE that word!!)

Problem is it's so not a summer book. I'm thinking about all the times you call somebody and their outgoing voicemail is all "Hey, I'll be out of town until Thursday whatever date" and what if they aren't out of town at all?? But holed up in the apartment doing anxious bong rips. It has probably happened in (my) real life at least a couple times.

I just feel super-weird because last night I had this nightmare where Jennifer Aniston told me I am wasting the best years of my life. But since later I'm gonna go have a picnic in a park where some nerds are re-enacting that one episode of "Star Trek" where Spock gets Vulcan boner fever, that can't possibly be true, right?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

the new truth

i am sick of all the hands in the world

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

i want presents damn it!!!!!

can someone (anyone) who gives a shit about me please buy me this jello mold? i feel like i don't get enough presents.... really...  i will tell you some other things i want too..just incase my friends start to care an ounce about my happiness... just saying 

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I sentence this owl to the electric chair.

Monday, July 13, 2009

a lot of different kinds of things happen

when crystal lil and i get together witchcraft happens...
and haircuts happen and cocktail hour happens 

and yummmmmy food happens..and we both learn alot about ourselves and each other.... i learned that i have 1950's best friend face...and crystal lil had an adult mouth even as a child..
 we learned a new hand gesture that represents the Huxtables (from the Cosby show duh) 

 and we made horseradish vodka....
oh..and had a pizza party.... and learned that a Russian woman can lift 30 pounds with her lady bits... SICK...why does a person have to do that???   ugh!
basically...it's nice to remember all the things you love about your friends... especially when you live far away... basically crystal lil makes me feel like my bones are real... and it helps me have better posture and know what the color puce is...  and when i'm with her i am able to find a entire collection of skin tone nylons and athletic sneakers...soooo glad we are friends!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

the last time i saw you

we were in the same room as this unicorn....   

i think i am coming over tomorrow...are you ready for witchcraft? are you ready for my new classy  fingernail polish? are you ready for my suitcase full of rhubarb?

Monday, July 6, 2009

oh, fuck it, why not

Do daytime pajamas necessarily = depression? Who are YOU to say??

let's talk about haunted outfits for one minute

I just watched this movie, The Legend of Hell House, and it drove me absolutely bonkers. It's one of those movies that objectively isn't that great, but I can see myself watching this a million times because it looks so amazingly gorgeous. In a very particular way that seemed designed for my brain.

A lot of it has to do with this one character, a psychic played by Pamela Franklin (who I love, and is pretty much the reason I watched the movie in the first place). Her style is totally amazing. Forget what I said earlier about the psychedelic Bride of Frankenstein I found in Viva magazine. My new look is "oversensitive Puritan teenage psychic":
Please note that not only is ectoplasm streaming from her fingertips, she is dressed in a leotard, which you cannot tell from this photograph. But I mean. Doye, what else would you wear?

What else is required? Five thousand silver necklaces, and square toed red ankle boots. And giant collars and a weird cape/coat thing with puffy sleeves underneath. A body covered with cat scratches (way ahead on this one). And kind of a shitty dramatic attitude. I just realized this is totally not a summer look bee tee dubs.

What's up white/yellow Helvetica text on weirdly saturated color film making my brain freak out? Have you seen this website of all film title cards? Why am I such a nerd? Don't answer that. The guy who made this movie also made "Watcher In the Woods", so there you go.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

this is part of the problem....IN LIFE!

i spent the afternoon being harassed by my mother and my x-boyfriend from j.r high...do you people know what that's like????  i hope not!!!!...clearly i am insane because i allowed this to happen.. my mother hates me and LOOOOOVES the x- boyfriend..... the two of them together suck my will to exist in this world.... it was a entire afternoon of them hating my face out loud as i cooked food for them... i was invited over... apparently to do work and be the butt of a lot of jokes and cherry pit throwing..i'm pretty proud of myself for not filleting any humans.... i know that they thought it was all in good fun.. but by the time i got home i wanted to dissolve my bones in a bath of acid and continue the rest of my life as a brain seeking zombie.....  next time something seems like a good idea to me..i will just slam my hand in the silverware drawer then take a nap...this plan will keep me out of a lot of trouble... hopefulllllly

i want everything to be ok

and if i write this down... the Internet will make it true.... it's like positive technology manifestation.... i made this up..but it seems like it could be real.....right?
everything will be ok
the universe will protect 
good choices will be made
things will be good 

i have human worry...it eats my brain

Saturday, July 4, 2009

i bought a octopus with my brother

and tomorrow  i am going to cook it ... what will happen?

 no one knows.....

Sunday, June 28, 2009

pride, riots, bravery and death videos

i want to send my love and support to all my beloved homos.... it's pride day!!!!...the anniversary of the stonewall riots... i always get real reflective and emotional on days like this...it makes me think about activism, personal bravery, oppression and change...and if you know me.. you know that these are all things i like to think about.... sorry..but i have to get all serious for a minute...
 it sucks to be held down by something or someone...even if it's yourself... and typically we think of bravery as a heroic act done out of some life threatening situation...but bravery can be tiny moments that we live out everyday... like speaking up to a co-worker when they are making racist jokes, or a mother leaving the abusive father of her children for a heather life...it can be a soccer playing kid on the playground  pushing the swing for the girl with ugly clothes in front of all his friends.... it's totally relative....  the past few weeks i have been  holding daily bravery at the front of my thoughts... i have friends who are going through shitty times and the way they push through and do really really really hard things is amazing to me. 
Have you seen the video of Neda Agha Soltani? She was shot during a protest in Tehran... and now every fucking asshole is watching her bleed to death out of her face on youtube.... but i think it's getting people talking...about different types of bravery and how we need to stand up for the shit that's right..even if it's hard or scary.... you are never ever alone...there is always someone else who wants to stand up with you...or hold your hand while you shout...even if you are shouting at yourself in the mirror...
all of the people at stonewall decided enough was enough... the women of Tehran are really fucking sick of the bullshit... the black panthers had some shit to say..so did Rosa parks..and guess what dudes... it's just as important to tell your mother in law what you think about apartheid or to let your neighbor know that the confederate flag in his front yard means a bunch of shitty stuff.... and even more important is to tell yourself that you can do hard things..and make things better... i call it "mind riots" and i do it all the time...  let's do it together...i will hold your hand.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

the most famous child molester in the world is dead at 50

 the story seems fishy......  so does his chin.....any thoughts? 

i sold my ex-boyfriends shoes because he has a really bad attitude

so i used to live with this dude..who was my boyfriend...and who wasn't the coolest person to spend time with.... he was the kind of guy who would wake up scowling and foaming at the mouth with bad vibes..and as the day went on he just got worse...i would always bring him donuts(cuz he loved them..and i would try to cheer him up) and he would grab them out of my hand and ask me to go away.... as i'm typing this i am thinking to myself "be nice....don't talk too much shit" but fuck it! this is my blog motherfuckers and i am the boss of my own mind! 

o.k here is some dirt: literally minutes after getting personal with each other for the first time..he turned to me and said "i'm totally in love with this girl _______, she is so awesome..she is really smart and pretty and funny" AND I LET HIM LIVE! i didn't kick him out of my bed or kill his face..i listened to him lament about it for a grueling half hour!  I was really young and in a phase of my life where i thought i could win over the hearts of all grouchy people with my pie baking skills..patience...and love for fugazi

this boy had NO MANNERS! he chewed with his mouth open, made me sleep on the floor while he took the bed, had me take the bus home from his house which took over an hour (15 minutes by car)..so he could sleep in for 15 extra minutes... he doesn't say thank you or help ladies carry heavy boxes...he is rude..and he is SOOOOO not cute or talented enough to be rude like that..you know what i mean? 
anyway ....when we called it quits he left a shit-ton of his crappy crap in my house..for me to deal with (typical) some of the stuff he wanted...some of it he didn't... so after calling him to have him pick up his smelly rude shit..and he didn't show....i lost it... i decided to sell his stuff in front of the shop i run...and buy myself something pretty with
 the profits....but..i hatched this evil plan instead....
this dude named Slats lives in my neighborhood. He is a icon of heroine... punk and hairdoooos. he swaggers and falls asleep all over town with a cigarette delicately dangling between his aging lips keeping the drool company...... you can tell by his 3 t-shirts that he loves the NY dolls, ramones and well..the ramones. I love him..he has been a customer of my shop for over a decade and i never really feel at home unless i see him weekly...but... he is quite a sight..

so back to my "asshole sale".... slats comes up to the table and starts looking at the dudes shoes i have for sale..lucky day! they wear the same size!! how much are they you ask dear Slats! all 4 pairs for a nickle! unbelievable! yes! all of them!!! please take them..here is a bag..enjoy!
so for the next year or so..every time i saw slats i would look down and see jerky ex boyfriends shoes supporting the arches of Seattle's most loved junkie!    best.yard sale.ever!  
p.s more slats stories to come!

unreasonable prices

so i was vacationing in a small lakeside town a while ago and came across this vending machine 

only to discover that the price was outrageous!!!   two dozen for $6!!!!
 what? are living on mars and night crawlers are used as currency to buy martian boy hookers? oh, excuse me "boys of the night" or "working gentleman" no! worms should be free..and if you insist on me paying for them they should be a nickel....thaaaat reminds me.....

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

all I plan to accomplish this week is getting my hair this color


Did you ever see Poltergeist III? Do you lie awake at night worrying about what happened to that one guy named Scott? No? Well the guy who played Scott does. He pretty much worries enough for all of us.

Every time I go to the laundromat lately there's this guy there with a boombox listening to slow jams and lecturing people. He'll just fixate on whoever is dumb enough to look at him and talk at them until their laundry is done. Today he was listening to some song called "I Wanna Break It Off" (and the song was not about breaking up with somebody!!) and trying to give this surly old hippie slow-dancing instructions. It took him like, ten or fifteen minutes to work up to talking about putting his hand on "the breast".

You can tell when it's someone's first time at the laundromat because they're all trying to be good-natured to the guy and have a conversation with him. They're all, "hey, this guy's pretty funny." But like Pa Ingalls said, even the second time may be funny....but the third time's a whuppin'.

Darlene machine

So Crystal Lils post about 90's sardonic best friends got me thinking.... at least your not slutty backstabbing six from blossom....look at her then and now.... she is the psychical human manifestation of finding used/dirty underwear balled up in the middle of the street.her ass is freaking me the fuck out. i am taking a shower now. goodnight.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

please don't murder anything ever

I pay way too much attention to this blog Kindertrauma, which is where I found this video that pretty guarantees I won't be sleeping tonight:

I don't really remember this but I'm sure I saw it 100 times when I was a kid. Which is...not cool? Don't those bad guys know the robot is alive???

Maybe you need to have that erased from your brain by watching a very elegant man groom himself:

from lips and ribs

the real me

The other night someone said to me..."you are the epitome of the sardonic mid-90's best friend".
Ok I guess.

Then last night some girl I just met asked me "oh do you do model-ing?" and I was like "WHY??? Did you see a photo of me somehwere? WAS IT ON THE INTERNET?? WAS I NUDE??" and she was like "uh.....no you have really nice bone structure," and I was like "OHHHH....thanks!"

Proving the first guy's point kind of?