Friday, July 31, 2009

i am a lazy blog jerk

it is so hot and summery... i have been neglecting my blog duties.... but hold tight people of the blog world.... i have more asshole things to say.. but i have to go swimming first...

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

the most haunted places I have ever been in my life, part 1!

Turns out I am a total baby when the temp reaches triple digits. Even though my only ordeal in life this week is to figure out who's going to the river with me and when we're going, I spend my nights thrashing around hot sheets and having crazy nightmares about an apartment I looked at over five years ago.

This place was upstairs from a vintage store and had some insane energy I can only describe as "mind-bending". Not only was it haunted, but the ghosts had mental illness. The second I walked in my brain felt like a videotape with a magnet stuck to it and I had a hard time looking at things. It was a mostly windowless labyrinthine apartment advertised as a one bedroom, even though it had seemingly endless cave-like black rooms branching off from too-low doorways that the tiny Eastern European woman showing the apartment wryly referred to as "extra rooms". One of them had nothing but grimy walls and a cracked yellow chair (oh yeah, there was half-busted furniture piled everywhere) and I couldn't even cross the doorway without feeling like I was going to throw up. Each room had a differently psychedelic patterned 70's carpet in just plain wrong colors.

I think there was a trapdoor in the bedroom floor but I might have imagined that. It was so dark in there anyway.

The worst was the bathroom, a long narrow yellow room that seemed like it was meant for another purpose, and the far wall had what I recall to be about three extra doors, each featuring at least four locks of the chain/deadbolt variety. I asked the woman where these doors went and she just looked at me, shook her head and said "no," then walked out of the room.

I've had so many dreams about this apartment that I might be remembering it as way freakier than it actually was, but it made me feel like I had been plopped into a Jodorowsky film against my will.

There is no way in hell I'd even spend the night in this place, let alone live there, and I can't imagine what kind of person ended up taking it. Did they say "yessir, this is exactly where I would like to live for three months before I finally lose my shit and slaughter a bunch of people at Ikea then the police bust in and find wall-sized collage diagrams of my broken mind," or "I need someplace to make furniture out dead bodies, this is perfect!"

I've been poring over the classifieds trying to see if this place ever becomes available again so I can go back and video the whole tour. I tried looking up the crime records online for the neighborhood to see if anything really went down there, but that sort of info isn't as available as you'd think. Sex offenders, yeah, mass murder not so much. I had a good talk with my friend Megan about this stuff recently and she said, "seriously, that is one of the few things you still really have to go to the library for."
UGH!! Will I finally have to pay my huge library fine?? That's what REALLY scares me!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

contents of my sewing box

A whole mess of vintage buttons too ugly to use that I kept because I liked the 1940's design of the cards they came attached

5 skeins "moth-proof" mending yarn in assorted shades of gray.

About 50 sewing needles of various sizes still attached to cards.

About 50 more sewing needles floating around loose on the bottom of the box.

Several dozen vintage cardboard bobbins of various sizes, none of which my machine takes, fully wound with silk thread of various colors.

One large tangled mass of trim items so individually hideous (lime green rickrack, purple lace, insipid floral appliques, red sequin strands, etc) that I have never found any adequate reason to untangle it.

One pair of orange-handled sewing scissors labeled "FABRIC ONLY!!!" to discourage household scissor-thieves.

One pair of identical scissors labeled "HAIRBRUSH" in order to otherwise confound same.

An aspirin tin with some nails and crumbs of weed in it.

Three small plastic animals (elk, ram, bull).

17 marbles

Several tools absent-mindedly pressed into my hands by my grandmother while cleaning out her own sewing box, which I have yet to determine the function of.

I tried to plug in my sewing machine earlier but couldn't find an appropriate extension cord.

dear summer, my brain is broken

Started re-reading The Infinite Jest with the vague intention of actually finishing it this time, figuring that 20 pages a day is totally doable in terms of getting to the end before "summer reading" time is totally over and I have to go inside permanently and read something more nourishing. (omg I HATE that word!!)

Problem is it's so not a summer book. I'm thinking about all the times you call somebody and their outgoing voicemail is all "Hey, I'll be out of town until Thursday whatever date" and what if they aren't out of town at all?? But holed up in the apartment doing anxious bong rips. It has probably happened in (my) real life at least a couple times.

I just feel super-weird because last night I had this nightmare where Jennifer Aniston told me I am wasting the best years of my life. But since later I'm gonna go have a picnic in a park where some nerds are re-enacting that one episode of "Star Trek" where Spock gets Vulcan boner fever, that can't possibly be true, right?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

the new truth

i am sick of all the hands in the world

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

i want presents damn it!!!!!

can someone (anyone) who gives a shit about me please buy me this jello mold? i feel like i don't get enough presents.... really...  i will tell you some other things i want too..just incase my friends start to care an ounce about my happiness... just saying 

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I sentence this owl to the electric chair.

Monday, July 13, 2009

a lot of different kinds of things happen

when crystal lil and i get together witchcraft happens...
and haircuts happen and cocktail hour happens 

and yummmmmy food happens..and we both learn alot about ourselves and each other.... i learned that i have 1950's best friend face...and crystal lil had an adult mouth even as a child..
 we learned a new hand gesture that represents the Huxtables (from the Cosby show duh) 

 and we made horseradish vodka....
oh..and had a pizza party.... and learned that a Russian woman can lift 30 pounds with her lady bits... SICK...why does a person have to do that???   ugh!'s nice to remember all the things you love about your friends... especially when you live far away... basically crystal lil makes me feel like my bones are real... and it helps me have better posture and know what the color puce is...  and when i'm with her i am able to find a entire collection of skin tone nylons and athletic sneakers...soooo glad we are friends!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

the last time i saw you

we were in the same room as this unicorn....   

i think i am coming over tomorrow...are you ready for witchcraft? are you ready for my new classy  fingernail polish? are you ready for my suitcase full of rhubarb?

Monday, July 6, 2009

oh, fuck it, why not

Do daytime pajamas necessarily = depression? Who are YOU to say??

let's talk about haunted outfits for one minute

I just watched this movie, The Legend of Hell House, and it drove me absolutely bonkers. It's one of those movies that objectively isn't that great, but I can see myself watching this a million times because it looks so amazingly gorgeous. In a very particular way that seemed designed for my brain.

A lot of it has to do with this one character, a psychic played by Pamela Franklin (who I love, and is pretty much the reason I watched the movie in the first place). Her style is totally amazing. Forget what I said earlier about the psychedelic Bride of Frankenstein I found in Viva magazine. My new look is "oversensitive Puritan teenage psychic":
Please note that not only is ectoplasm streaming from her fingertips, she is dressed in a leotard, which you cannot tell from this photograph. But I mean. Doye, what else would you wear?

What else is required? Five thousand silver necklaces, and square toed red ankle boots. And giant collars and a weird cape/coat thing with puffy sleeves underneath. A body covered with cat scratches (way ahead on this one). And kind of a shitty dramatic attitude. I just realized this is totally not a summer look bee tee dubs.

What's up white/yellow Helvetica text on weirdly saturated color film making my brain freak out? Have you seen this website of all film title cards? Why am I such a nerd? Don't answer that. The guy who made this movie also made "Watcher In the Woods", so there you go.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

this is part of the problem....IN LIFE!

i spent the afternoon being harassed by my mother and my x-boyfriend from j.r you people know what that's like????  i hope not!!!!...clearly i am insane because i allowed this to happen.. my mother hates me and LOOOOOVES the x- boyfriend..... the two of them together suck my will to exist in this world.... it was a entire afternoon of them hating my face out loud as i cooked food for them... i was invited over... apparently to do work and be the butt of a lot of jokes and cherry pit throwing..i'm pretty proud of myself for not filleting any humans.... i know that they thought it was all in good fun.. but by the time i got home i wanted to dissolve my bones in a bath of acid and continue the rest of my life as a brain seeking zombie.....  next time something seems like a good idea to me..i will just slam my hand in the silverware drawer then take a nap...this plan will keep me out of a lot of trouble... hopefulllllly

i want everything to be ok

and if i write this down... the Internet will make it true.... it's like positive technology manifestation.... i made this up..but it seems like it could be real.....right?
everything will be ok
the universe will protect 
good choices will be made
things will be good 

i have human eats my brain

Saturday, July 4, 2009

i bought a octopus with my brother

and tomorrow  i am going to cook it ... what will happen?

 no one knows.....