no really...shut up

just the two of us

My tiny tiny ,miniature, little, tinsy, itsy bitsy baby brother made me aware that you sweet readers might have a terrible disease ..and don't realize that there are 2 of us here at shut up ocean. 

 yours truly: friends forever 

.......and the glorious, lovely and talented Crystal Lil

although our minds are bound in stone with the help of the Internet...we live life in different bodies and in differed cities... you can only hope you run into one of us on the bus.... but back the fuck up if you see us together...our shit is  too magical for you. sorry

secrets of love and marriage

beautiful trannys should never marry men who wear sweaty shirts and suspenders. duh.

i found this comic in an antique store for $1...but i'm an asshole so i didn't buy it... now i regret it...i'll never know how she set herself free.....

vacation

i just got back from another road trip... i have a LOT of things to tell you about... let's start with this.... more to come..

oh yeah here's how to make something useful out of a baby

because babies need to get a fucking job

what is life

earlier this evening I ate a hallucinogenic drug and was at this person's house going through (?) their cupboard (it was the sensible thing to do at the time) and found a jar of honey labeled "WOLF HONEY"...how is this possible? I'll tell you: it was the name of the person who harvested the honey from his bees. I also found a box of blood meal, which we were JUST talking about (in another life). I guess bees eat blood? I learned a lot today.

attempted dog date rape

it could happen to anyone. even if you wear classy necklaces.

i googled "women who went years without speaking" because i have been thinking about making some changes in my life..

 talking out loud  seemed like the first logical thing to quit cold turkey.

 i was hoping for some inspiration... but the first thing that came up was some shit about Dracula.... i am taking this as a cosmic sign... given to me as a paranormal gift from the internet... i will heed it's banshee cries and start drinking sexy boys blood a.s.a.p. 

this summer is going to be awesome.

first ever human brain transplant

please take mine and put it in the compost pile... 

that way i can quit haunting this bullshit.. 

i don't even know where to start....

i am currently on a road trip in the very top of a state no one cares about.... i am having a lovely time..mostly...  here is an example of the type of joke people find funny in a town who's population is 611 people... do i even have to comment on this?  no.  i think you know what i would say.
ok now for some good news... there is a tiny weird grocery store here..THAT HAS A COOKIE STATION! you heard me right little piggies..your own personal cookie station . here is how you get thrilled: you get a bag and then you  fill it up with any combination  of cookies that your tiny shrivelled heart desires....then you eat all of them! there are 20 cookies to choose from..go wild bitch!   i was caught snapping this picture by a elderly local man who proceeded to mock me and laugh... he clearly has cookie issues.
ok, now we are getting to the part i really wanted to talk about... my panic attack.  yes!  vacation totally rulzzzz. i went for a hike to see some sea caves...sounds cool right..well it was...but here's the catch.  i am totally afraid of what i call "intangible space" this usually involves heights... so the hike is in the woods was  basically like walking along a prickly path to deaths door... but i did great! 
this sign was there to tell you how not to die...but i was totally fine.. i was so proud of myself!!!  surprisingly...no panic in sight...wanna know what caused my panic attack : NPR mutha' fucker.      N P f-ing R.

i was listening to it a day ago and heard that it's tick season...and than i learned about all of the super shitty diseases that ticks be rollin' with..and then i got one hundred thousand billion million ticks on me.... and i freaked the fuck out.  full-on panic mode... do you know what ticks do?  as a public service i will tell you: they silently crawl on you and bury their ugly fucking faces into your flesh and then they enjoy a "blood meal' (npr's term).... they replace your perfect and beautiful blood  with evil and destruction..then you have Lyme's disease and Rocky mountain spotted fever and extreme jerk tick  problems! 

 so i hyperventilated and now (5 hours later) i still feel them crawling on me. great.

 now i hate NPR forever and ever amen. the end.

some other options for the perfect look..........

is this the look you are going for?

This is always, always, always the look I am going for.

products to help you make yourself more useful

bottle opener shoes

oh, i forgot to mention....

instead i ate half a  "personal pan watermelon"..... 

all by myself... 

this is not the first time.

 i love watermelon.

 alot

it would be nice of me to share... but i won't

because i'm a dick.

my tongue has changed its mind. BORIIING

i guess i hate papaya now? i'm not sure what changed... but i just tried to eat a slice and it LITERALLY tasted like actual human vomit .... so i decided to tell you..because that's what blogs are for... has this ever happened to anyone else?  fuck a papaya. 

it's my half birthday.i want to talk about it

ok....yesterday was my half birthday...an event i have celebrated for as long as i can remember..i LOVE my half birthday so so so much and i will tell you why... 

the pressure of my actual birthday has always been too much for me to take...i have been known to bug out.... i think i will post more on this later to illustrate what a total  freak i am...but for now let's talk about the joy and wonder that is the half birthday.

it's  all the fun none of the pressure..and if you can con your friends and loved ones into celebrating it's the jam of all jams! here is how my day went:

i called my parents (like i do every year)to remind them that today is the big (well..medium i guess) day... my conversation with my mom went like this 

Mom: hello?

me: IT'S MY HALF BIRTHDAY MOM.. DID YOU FORGET?

Mom: who is this? can't you say hello?

me: no

Mom: well happy half birthday birthday!  the reason i forgot it was your half birthday is because i am too busy remembering that EVERY DAY is your little brothers birthday.  

please note this picture of the calendar at my folks house... my brother drove an hour to their house when they weren't home and wrote "mike's birthday" on every single fucking day of the year-except my birthday-thanks brooother.

so.. then i went to a espionage themed secret restaurant with a password ..a concealed entrance in a bookcase...a magician bartender..a piece of the Berlin wall...mysterious pay phones that doubled as secret passageways..and weirdly..they had this picture of me and crystal lil..how did they get that? this was taken before we were smart enough to know where to buy shirts....those were the days
.but here is the craziest part of this wild dining establishment THEY HAD CRINKLE CUT FRENCH FRIES! excuse me?

ok, this day only gets better.. i moseyed along to a completely unchanged 60's nightcap lounge where my waitress was about 75 (no joke) and totally named somthing like Shirley Ann but they probably call her Skipper... the decor was plastic poinsettia heavy.. and there are no windows in the joint..so no matter what time of day you go in..you feel like it is the witching hour! the booths are vinyl minty green and there are red holiday lights EVERYWHERE but that's the best part because everyone knows red lighting makes a lady look her foxiest... 

Doesn't this photo look all christmasy and shit well IT WAS TAKEN YESTERDAY! god i lovvvvvvved it!  and did i mention all the drinks were craaaazy.

peep this alcoholic milkshake i got indulgent with... what? that cookie is beckoning me..it whispers yes...yes
the bathroom had a pull up bar.you know..for those times when you sit down to pee and you realize you have had 1 too many 40 oz. mai tai's  and there is no one in sight to pull your drunk ass out of the mess that is your life! 

   man... can i just say i wish every day was my half birthady.

square america is the best website out of all the other websites

If I could marry a website this would probably be it.

recent food

Irish sage soda bread
Agedashi tofu
Blueberry pancakes

recipes coming soon

it's a delicious cocktail

with a Meyer lemon garnish. What is it called?

i hate to break it to you ..but you are NOT native american

i'm going to get real bossy right now:

let me start by saying this- i like wearing feathers in my hair as much as the next gal.... but i am getting really riled up lately by whity white pants dressing up like natives for super cool fashion reasons...and making paintings that are about totem poles and eagle magic.... and again- i say this with a love of eagle magic..but it's not mine... i can't flex it...cuz i'm white.
don't you think natives have  had it bad enough ...having your land stolen.. being lied to ..stripping your cultural and religious identity...forcing foods on you that give your entire race incurable diseases... murder... rape and the fucking list goes on.... now you are fetishising them and making moccasins, beads and headdresses your latest "get funky get drunky" outfit.                                            i will call it the "neon native" .... and i will cut your face
i really understand the intrigue and curiosity these ass wipes have with native culture.. i would go so far to say that i share it...but i think shit like this is super duper totally nasty.... 

didn't anyone ever tell you playing cowboys and indians is RUDE.... especially with weird underpants on
there's a way to give a "what what" to native culture...like getting a dream catcher tattoo in a place where your bathing suit covers...

or going to a pow wow and supporting natives by buying the cool stuff that they make

.....and then there is a way to barf it up roll in it and set it on fire.... cut it out dudes...i have mace and i don't care if you have always wanted to fuck pocahontas!

crystal lil-meet me here

sweet dreams

you are NOT the boss of me

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