i don't even know where to start....

i am currently on a road trip in the very top of a state no one cares about.... i am having a lovely time..mostly...  here is an example of the type of joke people find funny in a town who's population is 611 people... do i even have to comment on this?  no.  i think you know what i would say.
ok now for some good news... there is a tiny weird grocery store here..THAT HAS A COOKIE STATION! you heard me right little piggies..your own personal cookie station . here is how you get thrilled: you get a bag and then you  fill it up with any combination  of cookies that your tiny shrivelled heart desires....then you eat all of them! there are 20 cookies to choose from..go wild bitch!   i was caught snapping this picture by a elderly local man who proceeded to mock me and laugh... he clearly has cookie issues.
ok, now we are getting to the part i really wanted to talk about... my panic attack.  yes!  vacation totally rulzzzz. i went for a hike to see some sea caves...sounds cool right..well it was...but here's the catch.  i am totally afraid of what i call "intangible space" this usually involves heights... so the hike is in the woods was  basically like walking along a prickly path to deaths door... but i did great! 
this sign was there to tell you how not to die...but i was totally fine.. i was so proud of myself!!!  surprisingly...no panic in sight...wanna know what caused my panic attack : NPR mutha' fucker.      N P f-ing R.

i was listening to it a day ago and heard that it's tick season...and than i learned about all of the super shitty diseases that ticks be rollin' with..and then i got one hundred thousand billion million ticks on me.... and i freaked the fuck out.  full-on panic mode... do you know what ticks do?  as a public service i will tell you: they silently crawl on you and bury their ugly fucking faces into your flesh and then they enjoy a "blood meal' (npr's term).... they replace your perfect and beautiful blood  with evil and destruction..then you have Lyme's disease and Rocky mountain spotted fever and extreme jerk tick  problems! 

 so i hyperventilated and now (5 hours later) i still feel them crawling on me. great.

 now i hate NPR forever and ever amen. the end.