Saturday, June 13, 2009

Way to ruin a natural, zesty enterprise!

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Today I had to go somewhere and rode the bus instead of riding my bike because I'm mentally ill. Immediately after I made this decision 50,000 women with strollers boarded said bus to punish me personally. This lady sitting in front of me kept turning around at regular intervals and screaming "SHUT YOUR MOUTH WILLIAM!! SHUSH IT UP!!" in response to absolutely nothing or nobody that I could hear. Seriously, nothing. What my brain did in response to this is basically what happened in the Club Silencio scene from Mulholland Dr. when the girls start shaking uncontrollably and hugging each other, but instead of Roy Orbison covers it was a cold, dead shadow drifting over my brain whispering, "there....is....no....William"

What the fuck kind of cock-fiend ice cream social were these women having where they had to all get on the bus with their strollers at the same time all screaming and spilling juice everywhere? I'm talking about the mothers. The babies were all sleeping for some reason. That reason is probably that they were all on heroin!!! Oh my god I just thought of that. How terrible. It's just an idea.

Basically if you have babies I hate you.

I probably shouldn't say that because my sister just had a baby and one of my best pals is a dad, but whatever, it's called having principles.

Do you know about these clowns that have 18 babies?

Apparently they are not allowed to interfere with getting fertilized in any way because of God, and the bible. But if you ask me that's kind of a cover story for something a lot more complicated going on upstairs, that we'll just call...being a cock fiend.
I know we had "cock fiend" removed from the DSM-IV and all, but maybe we should re-think that aspect of feminism. Seriously, look at her eyes:

How could you let a man ANYWHERE NEAR your privates EVER again after the first, I dunno, SEVEN babies came out of it?? Unless....you have....a problem?
Is that rude, what I just said?

P.S. Sometimes when I get really worked up the f-word is said in John Malkovich's voice in my head...if you've seen Burn After Reading you know exactly what I'm talking about.

3 comments:

friends forever or until i give up humans all together. said...

ummm. i am the leader of the cock fiend icecream social. join the club...(but i know you are already a card carrying v.i.p member)

long live the cock fiend! it is sooo the next wave of feminism.

Crystal Lil said...

I understand what you're saying, but there's being a cock fiend, and then there's....being a cock fiend.

friends forever or until i give up humans all together. said...

i guess.... but really we are all cut from the same cloth...it's a fine line my dear...a fine fine fine-ass line.